Friday, October 29, 2010

A day in the life #1

Since this is the guidebook to life I figured why not keep you updated on someone's life who lives it to the fullest.  Someone who knows what it's like to attend life's 'School of Hard Knocks' and emerge with a Masters degree. Someone, who very humbly hopes that his works in this life will someday, somehow, be considered the greatest feat of genius ever known to mankind.  This person also cares about you all deeply.  This me.  Here's what I did today (feel free to take notes):
8:30am-alarm went off. I hit the snooze button. My next memory is waking up at 9:30 in a panic realizing I either subconsciously hit my snooze button 6 times or just slept through it (I use the alarm on my phone and set it to vibrate. This greatly increases my chances of sleeping through it. In fact, sometimes the gentle vibrations lull me right back to sleep).
I'm at work 5 minutes later.  The next big event of the day is lunch. I have an intimate meal with my one of my co-workers, Marv, at that one Mexican place on State St. that has the rooster on the sign. The food successfully gives both me and Marv heartburn for the rest of the day.
My 'friends' at work try to scare me with some silly plastic spider all day. Can you imagine? Trying to scare a grown man with a plastic spider!
My co-worker's efforts to scare me succeed. I continue to be just as scared of spiders I was when I accidentally saw part of 'Arachnophobia' as a small child (Fact: I was 17 when I first saw 'Arachnophobia').
 I get home from work at about 6:45pm and I'm feeling a little chilled so I decide to take a bath (also, I hadn't showered all day).
I settle into the tub with a good, mind-enriching novel (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) and a bag of beef jerky. My next memory is waking up in a panic an hour and a half later with all the water gone cold. The bag of jerky is now empty.
I have a delicious dinner prepared by the fine staff of The Maverick gas station on 800 N.  And then I tune in to the Utah Jazz game. I begin to miss Karl Malone and also begin to regret leaving my lucky stuffed koala bear wearing Jazz uniform in the Philippines this past summer (I did this because when the Jazz lost to the Lakers in the playoffs last year I decided the bear was unlucky and I had to either burn it or leave it in a far away country. I chose the later. Fact: I actually did this.)
A couple of interesting tidbits about koalas: They are not actually bears, they are marsupials. Marsupials get their name because millions of years ago they lived on the planet Mars, but when Mars ran out of water they had to migrate to Earth to survive. Koalas sleep for 23 hours every day, which is pretty rad. This is because they only eat eucalyptus leaves, which are poisonous. Also, there has been an outbreak of chlamydia recently among the koala population at large. 
To deal with the Jazz loss, I turn on a video game in which I've created myself as a football player. I rush for over 300 yards in one game and I feel a little better.  Then I listen to 'Is this Love' by Whitesnake on repeat as I compose this blog. And now I think I'll go to bed!
I realize that with the goal of this blog being to help each and every one of you improve the quality of your own lives, some of you may try to emulate MY life events. I just want to say that it's about taking baby steps. If you try to jump right into some of things I do, the shock could kill you. Ease into it.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Why should you read this blog?

Hello everyone (yes I'm assuming that someone will actually read this [thanks mom!])!  I'm writing this to let you know why you should read this blog. As you may have noticed, this blog is titled 'Life: The Guidebook.'  One day, you'll come to a point in your life, as I have, where living life just isn't enough anymore. Maybe you've accomplished so much that even accomplishing one more accomplishment would cause a rift in the space time continuum.  Maybe you've had so much success that if you had anymore of it there would be no more success left in the world to be had by anyone. Or maybe, just maybe, you wake up one day and realize you've been put here on this earth to fulfill some higher calling. Well, people (yes, I realize it's still just you reading this mom), when you reach this point, there's nothing left to do but give back. That, my friends, is the purpose of this blog.  Simply put, it's a forum for me, an expert life-liver, to impart my knowledge to the masses.
You might be asking yourself right now, 'Why should I trust this guy? How can I be sure his advice is sound? Is he truly an expert on life?'  Let me put these fears at ease by offering an abbreviated list of some of my accomplishments so far, and then you can decide for yourself.

-Was born
I consider this my first and still one of my greatest accomplishments. If you ask any infant, the overwhelming majority will tell you what a difficult and terrifying experience this is. Plus, unless you were grown in a lab by scientists or something (Clones! I know you're out there), I have something in common with each and every one of you and can, therefore, empathize with you on some level.

-Nurtured and cared for several pets
These include many, many fish (just can't seem to keep them alive), a few small toads, two newts, and a lizard.  I also caught a spider once with my friend Ben, who also died (the spider died, not Ben). We assumed that since spiders bite people, they must eat skin.  Our only source of skin was off of our own bodies, which we painstakingly harvested with pins from my mom's sewing kit. (Side note: spiders do not eat skin). Also, my neighbors asked my to feed their dog one time while they were on vacation. I forgot to do it a couple of the days, but I gave it a couple extra scoops of food on the last day so I think it all evened out in the end.

-Watched all of the seasons of 'Lost'

-Student at Brigham Young University since 2001
I'm technically a Senior now.

-Written for such prestigious publications as 'The Thunderbolt' and 'The Mormon Times'

-Currently dating a celebrity
Actually several celebrities. It's amazing how close you can feel to someone by following them on Twitter.

-Worked as a part-time manager for a local Mexican restaurant

Need I continue? The list goes on and on! And keep in mind, I'm only 27 years old!

This blog will explore all aspects of life starting with the basics: food, shelter, and how to ward off spirits/protect against alien invasion.  I'll impart my dating and relationship wisdom (it takes a lot of work to stay single living in Utah County). I'm not afraid to tackle the tough questions like 'Why should I do laundry every week when my clothes are just going to get dirty again? and 'If all babies are pretty, why are there so many ugly people in the world?'

No, you don't have to read this blog, but I wouldn't attempt to live life without it.