I’ve
made some pretty significant life choices over the past few months, and I
decided it’s time for an update. And I know you have nothing better to do than
read about my life, so you’re welcome.
I’ll
start of by telling you that I have recently changed environments. It really
has taken its toll on me. Moving from Provo to Orem is a bigger change than you
might think! First I had to move out of my parent’s basement, so warm and
cozy…and free. It hasn’t been easy. I live in an apartment now and sometimes I
go open the fridge and think ‘Hey, where’s all the food?’ And then I remember
that now that I’m living on my own, if I want food I have to go buy it myself (or
drive over to my parents house).
Second,
I also began attending a new single’s ward. For those non-LDS readers of this
blog (probably no one), a ward is a group of Mormons that live in close
proximity to each other and worship together on Sundays. A single’s ward is
where regular Mormons have decided to put those of us who are not married and
have become menaces to society (this happens to Mormon men at age 26), to
basically get us out of the way because we are super awkward and don’t know
what it’s like to love. It’s also an attempt to get us singles to mingle, fall
in love, and get married, and then, hopefully most of us (statistically
speaking, about half) will live happily ever after for the rest of time and
eternity. Well, this has been a particularly difficult adjustment for me. To
give you some reference, I had been attending my last ward pretty much
exclusively since 2006. For single’s wards, that’s an extremely long time.
People aren’t supposed to BE in single’s wards that long. I was. And it was
awesome! I was completely comfortable. Because I had been there so long (and,
as a natural effect of that, had almost every calling), I kind of reached a
status where no one really questioned my actions. If I wanted to attend Relief
Society instead of Priesthood, I just did it (for those non LDS readers, Relief
Society is exclusive to women…so yeah, I ALWAYS wanted to go to Relief Society
instead of Priesthood. Little known fact about single’s ward Relief Society: It
smells AMAZING in their room. It’s like you’re laying in meadow filled with
wild-flowers while someone’s baking cookies nearby and also someone is shoving
fruit up your nose. It’s fantastic). And no one ever said anything.
So
since I’ve been in my new ward I’ve really been trying to make a good
impression, to hopefully get back to a point where I can just attend Relief
Society again instead of Priesthood. Luckily for me, there are plenty of
opportunities to do so in the single’s ward, because, in an effort to get us
married off, the church spends quite a bit of time and money on single’s ward
activities. At the first activity I attended in my new ward, we played a game
called Human Foosball (it’s exactly what it sounds like). Well, in an effort to
impress the ladies, I may have become a bit over-zealous in this game of Human
Foosball (albeit a very completive and serious sport in some circles). And as a
result, I ripped my shorts. And when I say ripped, I’m not talking about a
little tear. I mean they ripped, almost completely off. Needless to say, I had
made and impression.
The
next activity I attended was kickball (side note: if you haven’t played
kickball as an adult, you haven’t lived!!! It was an absolute blast and over a
series of 3 or 4 weeks our ward won the championship. Orem 4th Ward
rules). Another perfect opportunity to impress, and hopefully redeem myself
from the short ripping incident. Well, my first ‘at bat’ went well, except that
I pulled my hamstring. Let me repeat that. I pulled my hamstring, playing
kickball... You know, you hear a lot about those devastating kickball injuries,
but you never expect it to happen to you. Anyway, so I was left with no choice
but to continue to play hurt, because that’s the smart thing to do. And each
time I kicked it got worse and worse until all I could do was slowly hobble
around the bases. Which, in hindsight was a good thing, because I didn’t want
all the girls to just like me because of what a great athlete I am. I want them
to like me for what’s on the inside.
If
you think that just ripping my shorts and pulling my hamstring in the first two
weeks being in my new ward was enough to tell people everything they needed to
know about me, think again! On a Sunday soon afterwards, I gave myself a
haircut, attended 3 hours of church, and then upon arriving home and to my
absolute horror, I found that I had missed a sizeable patch of hair on the back
of my head.
And
if you think that ripping my shorts, pulling my hamstring, and going to church
with only a partially shaved head was enough to tell people everything they
needed to know about me, think again! Over the past month I have given a
Priesthood lesson and a talk in church, and for some strange reason I felt
compelled to tell everyone in the ward about my very deep and personal social
and financial problems!
There’s
really no way to know how many hearts I’ve broken so far in my new ward.
But
seriously it’s been good and it’s starting to grow on me.
I
also started a new job. I am currently the manager at DP Cheesesteaks in Provo.
I know it doesn’t sound like much, but when you consider that 2 of my 3
favorite foods are cheese and steak, it’s really a pretty good deal. Come in
and see me sometime. The food really is fantastic.
And
as for the love life, well, having one is still a possibility at some point in the
future I suppose. I got pretty close to going on a blind date a week or so ago.
It was supposed to be a double date with my cousin (who was setting me up), but
at the last minute she wasn’t able to come, which would have left just me and a
girl going out alone (can you imagine!), so I panicked and backed out too. So
things are looking up!
CELEBRITY CRUSH WATCH:
Still no response from Mallory, even after I pretty much
single handedly helped her win that Facebook contest. BUT, the good news
is…this:
So a friend of mine texted me last night and invited me to
go to a ‘story telling’ event. I didn’t know what this meant. But he told me
Mallory Everton would be there telling a story. So I said ‘that sounds weird,
but I’m in!’
Maybe I’d get to finally meet her and confess my feelings!!!
So I changed in to my most impressive outfit (shown below),
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sprayed on some
Axe body spray, and off I went to the story telling. And it was exactly that.
Just people getting up on stage and telling stories about themselves. Mallory
was the story telling finale (obviously) and she was awesome (obviously). And
then it was over. And I had my chance. There were only like 30 people at this
thing and I was sitting directly across from her. The whole show I psyched
myself out to go talk to her after and just introduce myself casually and then
casually ask her if she wanted to get married. But anyway, it ended and I had
to pass right by her to leave, and then…I walked right by her and out the door
without even looking directly at her (obviously). Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about women it’s that
they hate it when guys just come right out and start talking to them and stuff. You don't want to seem too eager. Right?
Anyway, if you’re still reading this, thanks. And have a
great day!
