Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Help! I'm in serious danger of failing to keep my New Year's Resolution

            You ever just have one of those days? You know the ones I’m talking about…those days when you look in the mirror and just have to say to yourself, ‘Dang, I am one attractive man!’ Well I had one of those days yesterday. I was seriously looking good. Skin, unblemished. My beard, flawless. On top of that my head hair to beard hair ratio was in perfect balance. That is rare for me. AND, despite having two bowls of ice cream the previous night, I was still able to suck in my stomach just enough to make it look flat(ish). It was pretty sweet. Unfortunately, it was wasted because I was stuck behind a grill making cheesesteaks for the next 12 hours. Bummer.

            Anyway, that has nothing to do with the rest of this post…

            But, yes, I need help. I only made two New Year’s Resolutions this year. One was to double the amount of dates I went on this year than I did last year. CHECK! I’ve actually gone on 3 dates this year so I, in fact, TRIPLED my total from last year. And I have a couple months to spare even! So, yeah, good for me!

            The second one requires some background. My family, first of all, is awesome. I love them. We do a lot of fun things together. But mainly, when we get together, we like to eat delicious food. If ever an opportunity arises to eat delicious food, well then by golly, we take it. Over about the last 10 years a lot of my extended family has also been migrating to Utah, which has been great, because it just creates more opportunities for us to eat delicious food together (side note: In addition to liking delicious food, we also strongly dislike food that tastes disgusting).

            One of the opportunities we take each and every week to eat delicious food together is at Sunday dinner. It’s very important to me, which you know if you’ve ever tried to get me to miss Sunday family dinner. Everyone comes. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, Indian blood-brothers, illegitimate children, you name it. It’s fantastic. And sometimes, if one of my cousins or siblings is dating someone, they will bring their significant other to Sunday dinner. Then sometimes that significant other just never stops coming to Sunday dinner and slowly, over time, we just have to accept them as part of the family (I’m looking at you Beau and Aaron).
            Pretty much everyone in my family at one time or another, even if they aren’t married, has brought someone to Sunday dinner. Except for me. In over ten years I have invited/brought exactly zero ‘outsiders’ to dinner. My older sister? She’s easily brought several thousand people to dinner over the years. Maybe more. Me? Not a one. Why? I can’t really answer that.

            BUT last January I boldly proclaimed to my whole family that this was it. This was the year that Karl Kowallis was finally going to bring a girl over for Sunday dinner. Not that I would get married or engaged or even get into a serious relationship. Just that I would bring a girl over for dinner. And although I’ve done everything in my power to make this goal happen, alas, it has not! (fact: I’ve literally done nothing to make this happen).

            Anyway. I felt pretty confident earlier this year that I would make it happen. But the weeks went by. And then months. And still nothing. I was beginning to be hopeful that everyone had forgotten my bold proclamation, until just recently when my Grandfather, my own flesh and blood, the man who taught me how to cheat playing cards, called me out in front of my family! I was sure he had forgotten, because he can never seem to remember his wifi password (Grandpa, I’m pretty sure it starts with neogondo). But this, he remembers.

            So that’s why I need your help! It’s crunch time. And I’m at risk of becoming the laughing stock of family dinner! This cannot happen. So I’m enlisting all of you, my thousands upon thousands of avid blog followers (actually 43 not so avid followers), to help me find someone to bring to dinner.

            This is going to be tricky, because I can’t just bring anyone to dinner. It has to be the right person…so if you are interested or know someone who is interested in coming to Karl’s Sunday Family dinner sometime before the end of the year, let me know and I’ll put them through a rigorous interview process and a series of different tests to see if they can cut it. Having trouble finding people that want to join me for dinner at my parents house? Here are the top 3 reasons to come:

  1. I can guarantee there is always really good food. We are all food snobs.
  2. My Grandpa always makes homemade ice cream (I know for a fact it’s going to be pistachio this week, but he’s also open to requests)
  3. There’s a high probability that this baby will be there in a hot tub filled with cheerios:

She belongs to my cousin Rachel…

And if that’s not enough to convince you, then you should also know that there is a 100% chance that a high level Geology conversation will break out at some point. 

Let's make this happen people. My reputation depends on it!