My 10-Year High School Reunion

 Let me start off by saying that I did not want to go to my high school reunion, but while I was there almost everyone I talked to commented on my blog or a group on Facebook that I created entitled ‘Karl Kowallis isn’t getting married and doesn’t need your address.’  And surprisingly, no one told me that they absolutely hated my writing. So, to all my friends from high school, whether or not you were just telling me you liked my blog to be nice, thanks for getting me posting again!

            So anyway, yeah, I really didn’t want to go to my reunion Friday night. Why? Let me count the ways. First of all, I wasn’t exactly popular in high school. I really got of to a bad start in Middle School and it kind of just carried over.

           

            I was on the lightweight football team in 7^th grade, but quit just before the season ended for a variety of reasons. But mainly I just thought my coach was a psychopath, a thought later reinforced to me when he played a tape of me and a friend leaving him a voice message for the rest of the team. We were calling him to tell him we were quitting the team, but for whatever reason we couldn’t stop laughing on his answering machine!  Probably because we were ONLY IN 7^th GRADE! I think we ended up leaving about 10 messages in all. And yes he played them all for an entire team of 7^th and 8^th grade boys. And yes, I spent the rest of the year hiding at lunch and in between classes so I wouldn’t get beaten up or thrown in a trashcan. (By the way, this coach later spent 10 years in prison…I feel pretty justified at this point for quitting when I did). Needless to say, I didn’t really burst onto the scene the way I had imagined myself doing. I actually remember taking a class with a couple of the more ‘popular’ kids that year and one of them started talking to me. We were having a good conversation until one of my former teammates leaned over and said to the kid ‘Hey, we don’t talk to him, he quit the football team.’ The kid never said another word to me all throughout middle school and high school. That literally happened! It’s not just something I made up or took from the movie ‘She’s All That’ or something!

           

            I believe I wore sweat pants everyday in 8^th grade. Was I cool? Heck yes I was! But I don’t think anyone could really see past the sweat pants, and thus I kept slowly moving down the social ladder. That’s what I get for wanting to be comfortable!!!

           

            By 9^th grade I had starting dressing in a more socially acceptable way (but boy, did I miss the sweats!).  I even at one point ‘frosted my tips’ so to speak.  But I again committed social suicide by joining the band.  In our high school, B-A-N-D was a foul four-letter word that would get you ostracized faster than showing up to school with no trousers on!  Never mind the fact that I played the saxophone (what I thought was a pretty cool instrument. It’s not like I played the French horn or something! {no offense French horn players}) and that I was actually halfway decent (I was an outstanding soloist at state and won multiple awards at jazz festivals). Never mind the fact that I was pretty much a normal high school male with raging hormones and a love for sports, red meat, and video games! I was in the band, and so I carved out a permanent home for myself on the bottom rung of the social ladder.

            Well, I was lucky enough to find good friends who were willing to look past all of my social faux pas, and accept me as one of their own. And I ended up having a pretty great time my last few years in high school. But I don’t know if I ever completely got over the social anxiety that comes with the territory when you wore sweats all throughout middle school and were in the band in high school.  And that’s what I imagined the reunion to be. A place where I was going to go and be judged and reminded of all the anxiety I had back then.

            So all of that combined with the fact that I’m not married, have yet to graduate college, and have literally gained 100lbs since high school, (I swear it’s mostly muscle mass) really had me questioning whether or not to attend the reunion.  But a good friend convinced me that none of that mattered and I should just go.

            Well, right off the bat I get nominated for the award ‘Who Has the Least Hair’ (thanks a lot Josh Bushnell!!!) You can imagine that that was just what I needed to feel comfortable being in front of my high school peers for the first time in 10 years. (Side note: Ironically, 10 years ago I won the award for ‘Best Hair’ in the Mr. Timpview pageant). The really maddening part is that I’m not even really bald, but have just begun buzzing my hair out of laziness!

            But anyway, all in all I had a good time and am really glad I went.  It was really fun to see everyone again and I’m now eagerly awaiting the 20-year reunion. Just don’t be surprised if I show up wearing sweats…

Mormon Times Dating Blog Contest #5 (Previously Unreleased!!!!)

 When people ask me what’s wrong with me I usually say ‘Well, my back hurts and one of my nostrils is bigger than the other.’  But that’s not what they want to hear.  When people ask me what’s wrong with me, they want to know why I’m not married/dating someone exclusively/going on a lot of dates/going on some dates/talking to girls/making direct eye contact with members of the opposite sex.

            Okay, okay, so that’s a bit of an exaggeration (just today I looked probably three girls right in the eye!). But let me just shed some light on my situation. 

            First of all, why are people all up in my business about my dating life anyway?  Come on guys.  Just because you’ve found your soul mate and have a perfect life, and just because I may or may not have found my soul mate (I haven’t, but Kiera Knightley, if by some crazy chance you’re reading this, I just wanted to let you know that I think you might be the one), and may or may not have a perfect life (I’m 27, still working on my undergraduate degree, I have cankles and I’m delusional enough to think Kiera Knightley is my soul mate. You tell me if you think I have a perfect life), doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with me.  Or maybe there is something wrong with me, but you don’t have to constantly remind me of it.

            Second, all men have known this fact since the dawn of time: to a guy, the mind of a female is absolutely incomprehensible.  Because of this fact, dating is not only extremely difficult; it’s also potentially very painful and awkward.  And I know what you’re thinking right now.  You’re thinking, ‘Karl, you’re normal interactions with people are already painful and awkward. How can dating be any worse?’  Well, imagine me interacting with you on a normal day, and then multiply that pain and awkwardness by about a hundred.  That’s how dating is for me.

            And what’s with all the emotions girls?  One minute you’re crying and the next you’re laughing.  How am I supposed to react to something like that?

            Next, I’m poor.  I’m not afraid to admit it either.  I’m poor and dating is expensive.  Hold on girls before you jump all over me with the whole ‘Oh that doesn’t matter and there’s a lot of cheap date ideas’ speech.  There are only so many times you can take someone on a hike and a picnic.  Plus, even picnics cost some money.  So, instead of spending money to take out a girl who is most likely another mans wife, I choose to spend it on my self.  And you’re probably saying, “Karl, that’s selfish.”  Well to me, it’s logic.

            Lastly, I’m honestly just terrified of good-looking, intelligent, and fun women.  Unfortunately, those are the ones I’m usually attracted to.

Mormon Times Dating Blog Contest #4

Ladies, be honest with me. Would you rather hug a pillow or a statue? I’d say pillow, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong!

            I literally had this argument on my mission with a delightful fellow named Elder Guymon. It was sparked by the fact that Elder Guymon’s body was a bit more statuesque, and my body was...well, pillowesque (made up word). I felt there was no argument. It’s like asking someone to choose between sleeping on a brick wall or on…like, a brick wall covered in feathers or something else really, really soft and comfortable. But Elder Guymon insisted that having a body like a statue would make me more huggable.

            I thought the matter was important enough to bring before a council of zone leaders, AP’s, the mission president and his wife, and the Philippino woman who worked at the mission home. A survey was taken, and the results were in favor of hugging a pillow rather than a statue.

            Due to the results of that very survey, I have dedicated myself to maintaining my pillow like form. For example, I usually try to hit the gym at least once every five or six months. And I almost always make sure to eat dessert after every meal. Now, some of you might be thinking, ‘Dessert after every meal? How is that possible, especially after breakfast?’ Well, let me answer that by having you imagine this: a maple glazed donut with bacon crumbled on top (I’ve actually eaten these…and yes my heart still works).  It’s delicious AND goes really well with breakfast.

            Anyway, I recently found out that I’ve been wasting a lot of time and energy maintaining my cuddly-soft bod, because women actually PREFER hugging a statue to a pillow. How do I know this? For one I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been replaced by some dude who is a little more shapely than me. Also, don’t try and hide it. I’ve seen you girls with your Edward Cullen t-shirts on! Really though!? The guy is undead, cold and hard as a rock, and can’t go anywhere there’s sun (Important side note: I’m going to tell you what I’ve told all my close family and friends. I am begging you in the strongest language possible… ladies, if you ever find out that you are dating an actual vampire, please, please, please just break up with him. Why? Because he will suck your blood and eat you. There’s no easy way to put it. Seriously, I’m guessing there’s less than a 1% chance that he’s some good vampire living off of only animal blood. The relationship only ends when he kills you). I on the other hand, am alive, always warm, and I love the sunshine (also the odds of me killing you are very small). 

            Well women, I’ve got news for you. I’ve been to the gym twice in the last six months, and I only ate half of my cheesecake at lunch today. Here I come statue body!

Mormon Times Dating Blog Contest #3

 Well, I just turned 27 this past month, which in Utah County years (kind of like dog years), is about 56. When people ask me how old I am, I’m actually obligated while here in Utah to tell them my age in Utah County years. I say I’m 54 though (I feel like I can shave off a couple of years because of my baby face).

            Seriously though, I think it was Brigham Young who said that any man who is 26 and single is a menace to society. I’ve found this statement to be true (especially on BYU campus).  So to live up to the expectations set by Brigham Young, I’ve tried to be extra menacing this past year. To give you and idea of just how menacing I’ve been, this one time, I stayed up WAY past midnight!

            Also, sometimes I’ll be driving and I’ll just change lanes a few times for no reason. This really throws people off. I can’t hear what people in other cars are saying to me when I do this, but I feel like they might be saying, “Man, that guy sure is a menace!” 

            Occasionally I’ll even down a 6 pack of cream soda (Henry Weinart’s usually). There’s no telling what I’ll do on a cream soda sugar rush!

 But mostly I’ll just walk around giving people a real menacing look. 

             At first, I was pretty excited to turn 27 so I could quit being a menace…but that was until I happened upon another quote by Brigham Young that said any man who is 27 and STILL not married not only continues to be a menace, but also becomes a danger to himself and those around him. No kidding, back in pioneer times when a single guy turned 27 they would just lock him up. They’d leave him in prison for about 8 or 10 years and then let him out hoping everyone had forgotten about him. The only problem was it was super easy to escape from pioneer prisons, so they had to stop doing it (side note: this paragraph is completely made up). 

               I’m really just happy to still be alive at my age…and to not be in a pioneer prison.  But honestly, it is much harder to date the older I get. Not only do girls start looking at you funny when you tell them how old you are (at least here in Utah), but the older you get the more content you are to be single. The other day I went to the movie “Valentine’s Day” BY MYSELF (this is true). Just me and two other couples in the entire theater. Could I have taken a girl? Maybe. But how was I supposed to enjoy the comedy and wit of Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner while at the same time trying to impress a girl? Sure the other people in the theater were weirded out by my being alone, but hey, it’s my job to be a menace!

Mormon Times Dating Blog Contest #1

           Most people would say that I’m not a great dater.  It’s an observation that they easily make just by knowing that I’m 26 years old (27 next month), I live in Utah County, and I’m not married.  When they dig a little deeper they realize that they were wrong.  I’m a terrible dater.  My freshman year at BYU was in 2001.  Most people can get married or at least have a couple close calls in just one or two years at the Y (otherwise known as the LDS school of HOW TO EASILY FIND AN ETERNAL COMPANION).  It’s 2010 and I’m currently STILL enrolled at BYU and trying to get an undergraduate degree in…well just about anything at this point.  And the closest I’ve come to getting married is when I was a greenie missionary in the Philippines and a member girl, taking advantage of my total lack of ability to understand the language, tricked me into agreeing to return and marry her after my mission. (Side note: I have scheduled a trip to the Philippines this May). 

            In fact, I’m such a bad dater, that I have my own group on facebook called ‘Karl Kowallis isn’t getting married and doesn’t need your address’ where people write me with their relationship questions.  I tell them what I would do, and then encourage them to do the opposite to ensure they have a successful relationship. 

            I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong though.  You would think taking a girl to your parents house on the first date and playing Disney Trivial Pursuit would pretty much win over anyone, right?  Well, you’d be wrong. I had to find that out the hard way.  Another interesting thing I learned is that being able to play Guitar Hero on expert doesn’t attracted the ladies like you think it would.

            I’ve tried everything.  Serenading them with my saxophone (worked in ‘Better Off Dead’, failed for me), throwing pebbles at their window in the middle of the night (apparently the pebbles need to be really small for this), poetry (no comment).

            My latest technique is to be really mean to girls on dates (being a nice guy hasn’t worked, and we all know LDS girls are attracted to bad boys).  It’s not working either.  They just don’t take me seriously.  I even wear my Ninja Turtles T-shirt (not only is it very cool, it also lets my date know that I can handle myself in a fight)!

            Now if you’re reading this you’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘wow, this guy has tried everything! He must be really ugly or something for that stuff not to work!’  Well, you’d be wrong again!  I’m two months at Gold’s Gym away from being ridiculously good-looking.  It’s true.  Ask my grandparents…and my Gold’s Gym trainer.

            I guess some people just aren’t meant to get married…or have girl friends…or friends that are female.  Suffice it to say I’m really looking forward to my trip to the Philippines!

Very Possibly the Nerdiest Thing You Will Ever Read

 Listen, I have an NBA game on in the background right now this so you can’t judge me too harshly for writing this. But this issue is so important I thought it merited it’s own blog post. This is one of those issues that’s been weighing heavily on people’s minds for a while now, especially with the recent elections. I know for a fact that a lot of people based their votes this last week on what the candidates stand was on this very issue.  The issue, my friends, is that of who would win in a battle between The Dark Lord Sauron and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (aka Lord Voldemort).

My friend Mark McKay posed this question to me yesterday via text message. I answered him right away that Sauron would win hands down.  He then replied that he thought Lord Voldemort would be the victor (of course he spelled it valdamort in the original text message which I feel automatically disqualifies any of his arguments).  We then proceeded to have a text argument, which took up a lot of my valuable work time, and has now spilled onto the pages of a social media site called “The Facebook.”  So I’ve decided to put this matter to bed in the most objective and fair way possible:  posting a few completely biased opinions on the matter to my personal blog. Here goes.

Story:

Sauron- His character appears in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, in which he must be defeated or the world is doomed forever. This book was written by world-renowned author J.R.R. Tolkien who was not only a respected professor of English, but is widely recognized as the father of the fantasy genre of literature. So in a way, you could say, that Sauron is Voldemort’s daddy.

Voldemort- He is the main villain in the Harry Potter series; books that were originally intended to entertain small children.  The series was written by J.K. Rowling; a woman who was essentially homeless before writing it.  She is probably best know for turning one of the heroes of her story gay at the last minute, not that that makes him any less of a hero. Just didn’t add anything to the story.

Power Source:

Sauron- His powers are derived from a single ring, which can only be destroyed in one place in the entire world, Mt. Doom.  Mt. Doom is located in the Middle of Sauron’s domain and is heavily guarded by thousands of orcs. Even when the ring isn’t in his possession, he can still channel some of its power unless it is completely destroyed. The ring can also not be used against him, because its powers are such that they eventually overcome any being that possesses it and turn them to pure evil.

Voldemort- He gets his powers from studying dark magic for many years. But, as with all witches and wizards, his powers can pretty much only be put to use when he has a wand in his hand, an object that can easily be snapped in half or lost and rendered useless.

Minions:

Sauron-His minions include nine ring wraiths who fly around terrorizing people on these evil dragon-looking things. They cannot be killed by men. He also controls a limitless amount of orcs, evil men and mercenaries.  And he managed to convince the most powerful good wizard in the world to join his cause.  Before the ring is destroyed, his minions were on the verge of taking over THE ENTIRE WORLD!

Voldemort-Has a few other wizards who follow him around called ‘Death Eaters.’  It’s never been documented whether or not any of them actually eat death. Most of the time, like Voldemort, these followers remain in hiding. In the end, the Death Eaters ALMOST succeed in taking over a SINGLE wizarding school, but are thwarted by a small group of students.

Fortifications:

Sauron-Controls his own country, Mordor, which is impenetrable by even the largest of armies. Protecting it are his minions, giant man-eating spiders, and thousands of miles of shear desolation. All of which he keeps a constant watch on with his all seeing eye.

Voldemort-

Spends 6 out of 7 books in hiding and on the run because he’s afraid of an old and supposedly gay (not that that makes him any less formidable) wizard named Dumbledore.

Deafeat:

Sauron-Was, in fact, defeated accidentally by a creature called Gollum, who bites the ring off of the finger of Frodo the hobbit and then, in a crazed stupor, falls into the Cracks of Doom. It should be noted that Frodo did make it all the way to Mt. Doom before the power of Sauron and the ring ultimately overcame him.

Voldemort- Was defeated (multiple times actually) in a head-to-head dual with 17 year old Harry Potter, who frequently complains throughout the series that he is not actually that good at magic.  Originally Voldemort lost all of his powers because of an emotion (love) and it continued to keep those powers in check for well over a decade.  Voldy should be given some credit though for splitting his soul into seven parts in an attempt to become invincible. Unfortunately for him, the objects in which he hid the parts of his soul were easily tracked down and destroyed by 3 teenagers.

In summary, I submit that all things considered, Voldemort would wet his wizarding robes if he came across Sauron in a dark alley. I’ll admit that I love the H.P. books. In fact, I may or may not be planning to go to the midnight showing of the new movie in a couple weeks and I may or may not be planning to dress up as a character from the books for the event. But saying Voldemort could defeat Sauron is like saying that I, a certified junior orange belt, could beat Bruce Lee in a fight. Although my marital arts skills are pretty good, I wouldn’t dream of attacking someone who is obviously my superior.

Again I would like to reiterate the fact that I watched pretty much an entire NBA basketball game while writing this. I like normal stuff and nerdy stuff, okay! It’s allowed! 

For any single women reading this that may have been thinking that you wanted to go out with me: I actually just downloaded this from the internet and thought it would be funny to post it…unless reading this somehow made you want to date me even more, in which case, here’s my phone number: 8013808891

Halloween

Have you ever done something just because someone told you to without knowing the reason behind it? And then a bunch of other people are baffled at why you would do the thing that you did and question you about it? And you tell them it’s because someone told you to?  And then someone sarcastically asks you ‘Karl, if so-and-so jumped off of a cliff, would you do it too?’  Except, instead of the name ‘Karl’ they use your name and instead of saying ‘so-and-so’ they say the name of the person who originally told you to do that thing?

Well you shouldn’t have to go through this ever again! I want you to be able to answer confidently next time someone asks you whether or not you would jump of a cliff after someone, either ‘No, I wouldn’t. That’s completely asinine and ridiculous. I’d be following them to their demise.’ Or ‘Yes. I absolutely would jump off that cliff, because you know what?  The reason that person jumped off of the cliff is because the canyon below is filled with soft, delicious marshmallows!’ Make sense?

So Halloween…what gives?  We pretty much know why we have all our other holidays.  For example The Fourth of July is when we celebrate the invention of gunpowder.  On Thanksgiving we celebrate John Smith and Pocahontas organizing the first ever game of American football between the Pilgrims and Indians (FYI, the pilgrims won this game on a last minute field-goal, which ended up as a blessing in disguise because this was well before the implementation of overtime, and consequently the game would have ended in a tie and the Indians probably would have never taught the pilgrims about corn or anything. Also, this game happened before the discovery of the pig, so pigskin could not be used for the ball. This was the reason that a live turkey was used as the first ever football. The pilgrims deep-fried and ate this turkey in celebration of their victory. Joe Paterno, current coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions, earned his first ever win as coach of the pilgrims that day). And Valentine’s Day was a result of an effort during the Great Depression to create jobs for florists (unfortunately, although jobs were created and flower sales were boosted, jolting the economy, it also sparked what some historians have dubbed the Really Great Depression and resulted in a rash of suicides among young single men and women all over the country. On a side note, the Really Great Depression led to an increase in production and ticket sales of Amanda Bynes movies).  But what do we know about Halloween?  Well, almost nothing.  But let me shed what light I can on the subject.

Halloween supposedly marks the end of the light half of the year and the beginning of the dark half of the year.  According to science, this is because of planetary rotation and the position of the earth in relation to the sun. But before we had science, all we had were crazy, unfounded theories.  This is how Halloween came to be. As the light half of the year turned to dark, one day was allotted for spirits to roam free (This is all true. Straight from Wikipedia). The only way to be sure you were safe from the spirits was to dress up as one of them. This is why I usually dress up as Superman. I'm man enough to admit that I wouldn’t last two minutes in a fight with that guy.  Plus he’s got those shifty eyes, what with his X-ray vision and all. Could be looking at anything.

Anyway, dressing up to ward off spirits slowly evolved into dressing up in order to scare people into giving them food or some sort of ‘treat’. If the person had nothing to give you, you could perform an act of mischief to that person’s house.  In the late 1800’s, this practice of ‘Trick-or-Treating’ resulted in the first ever toilet-papering. (To all the 3-11 year olds who are avid readers of this blog: The next time someone gives you a toothbrush or just leaves an empty bowl with a note in it on their porch, you should feel free to bust out one of their windows or something. It’s all just part of the tradition).

So that’s Halloween in a nutshell. I hope you all learned something new and helpful. And remember to be safe out there. Happy Halloween!!!