Listen,
Mallory, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I probably shouldn’t have been so
forward in my last post. Chances are things wouldn’t work out between us. Maybe
you’d break my heart. Maybe I’d break yours. BUT, what if, just what if,
neither of us break the other’s heart? What then Mallory? Is that a risk you
are willing to take by continuing to ignore me? And look, I’m not asking for a
commitment…just a nice casual dinner…and then maybe a walk around the temple
holding hands. THAT’S IT!!! No pressure. If you’re still not sold, here are a
few other things you should know about me:
- I
love puppies, but I don’t care for small dogs.
- I
DO NOT like long walks on the beach. Walking in sand makes me tired. But I do
like to lie on the beach very much.
- I
have watched every episode of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ so I clearly know what real life
(and love) is all about. (Side note: I have also seen ‘Breaking Dawn Part 1’
all the way through. I really wish I could somehow un-see it. But I can’t. I
just thought you should know. I
completely understand if this is a deal breaker).
- I
currently hold the rank of Jr. Orange Belt in Kempo Karate (earned in 7th
grade). So I can definitely protect you.
- Yes,
I am 30, but tons of people tell me I look like I’m 29…and that I act way
younger than I look.
And that’s just scratching the surface. So, yeah, get in
touch with me. I’ll make sure I have all my lines of communication available at
all times.
Now
let’s move on to the real purpose of this post. It’s Mother’s Day! And because,
first, my Mother is the only consistent reader of this blog anyway, and
second, I just quit my job and
then drove to and from Milwaukee, Wisconsin for no real reason and have nothing
to show for it…well mother, I have hardly a dime to my name. So I’m dedicating
this post to my most wonderful mother, Julee Clark Kowallis. I know this is not
as good a gift as last year when I gave you that homemade card with an outline
of my hand on the front (this is true), but it will have to do. (And Mallory,
if you’re reading this, we don’t even have to go out if you’ll just come over
for dinner and pretend to be my girlfriend for a night on Mother’s Day. My mom
would flip! Not that she’s a big fan of yours or anything, she just really
wants me to bring a girl over for dinner…actually, any girl reading this who
would like to come over for dinner and pretend to be my girlfriend, please get
in touch with me. Best Mother’s Day Gift ever!).
I
learned to respect my mother at a young age. But that was mainly because of my
father. I remember one time being asked by my Mom to take the garbage out and,
instead of jumping to my feet and running to take out the garbage with zeal, I,
in fact, murmured and procrastinated. I found every excuse not to do it,
including shutting my self into the bathroom. Well, this must have upset my
mother, because pretty soon my dad came bursting into the bathroom with fire in
his eyes, and lifted me off the toilet by my hair (yes, I used to have hair)! And he also had some strong
words for me about showing my mom proper respect. Well. I learned a very
valuable lesson that day…which was to always lock the door when going to the
bathroom. No, but for reals, I did learn how much my dad cared for and
respected my mom, and that I needed to have that same respect for her. After
all, as she frequently reminds me, she bore me for 9 months.
This
is turning out to be a harder post than I anticipated. I’m not very good at
expressing my true emotions, even in writing it turns out.
The
one thing about my mom, and about most moms I imagine, is that they never stop
loving you. I know sometimes when she looks at me she wonders ‘Man, what did I
do wrong with that kid?’ And that’s the crazy thing about her. I’m the one that
is constantly making a mess out of my life. It has nothing to do with how she
raised me (I have a tendency to do the exact opposite of what people tell me to
do). But for some reason all she can do is love me, and ask herself what more
she could have or can still do to help me. She’d be perfectly within her rights
to introduce me to people as ‘my idiot son Karl,’ but she never does. In fact,
it seems like she can’t help but talk me up to everyone. And she always tells
me how much everyone she knows thinks I’m the greatest guy ever, which can’t be
true, right? I mean, there’s been some pretty great guys. Abe Lincoln comes to
mind.
Anyway,
the thing is, when someone loves you unconditionally, even if you don’t
understand why they love you that way, you just can’t help but love them back.
I
don’t tell you enough, but I love you Mom. I really do. Thanks for putting up
with me. I promise one day I’m going to turn things around, and then I’ll be
able to take you on a cruise instead of writing you a blog. Happy Mother’s Day!
