Monday, March 10, 2014

Happy Birthday to me!

          Hello everyone. It’s me Karl. And today is my 31st birthday. Sorry it’s been a while since I posted anything. I know that most of you wait on pins and needles for me to write something on this blog, and every few months you’re rewarded with a profound, life-changing message. So I apologize for not writing something sooner. But after my last few posts I was having a review session with my editor (my mom) and, although she says she enjoyed them and thought they were funny, as my mother, she doesn’t always want to read about what a loser I am. And even though I tried to tell her that that doesn’t leave me with much to write about, she made me promise to write something positive about my self.
            So, because it’s my birthday, and when it’s your birthday no one can say anything negative about you (not even…yourself?), and because I love my mom, the following will be my attempt to highlight the good things that the general populous needs to know about Karl Kowallis, in a very real, very honest, and non-sarcastic way.

            First off, I’m super good looking (jk that’s the last of the sarcasm). In all honesty though, if you put a gun to my head and made me rate my looks on a scale of 1-10, I’d have to give myself at least a 6, maybe a soft 7 a good day. If we’re assuming that a 5 is the average human on the planet (which we are), then I’m above average, according to myself. Think about it. I don’t have really any deformities or anything (although I recently cut off part of my finger at work), so that already puts me ahead of quite a few people. And I’ve had orthodontia, so that puts me ahead of another whole bunch of people who don’t even have access to toothbrushes, let alone teeth straightening procedures.

            My absolute best physical features: beautiful blue eyes (even I tend to lose myself in them if I’m not careful around mirrors), and rippling calf muscles (see pic below)

           I feel like those two qualities offset some of my ‘less flattering’ physical traits. Add that to the fact that I can grow some pretty decent facial hair and boom! 6 out of 10 seems pretty fair right?

            If that doesn’t convince you then get this: There have been multiple (meaning more than one) actual human women in my lifetime that have been interested in me (meaning romantically interested) based almost solely on my looks! And at least one of them was a full-on stalker. It’s true. Google it (Don’t. You won’t actually find anything).

            And, underneath all those good looks is one heck of a personality. Yeah, I may be a little shy when first meeting people, but once I open up I’m the life of the party! I can pretty much talk about anything to anybody. This is because I enjoy a variety of different things that you might not think would normally go together. For example, I’m obsessed with sports, but I can also read! Complete opposite of what you would think, right? But that unique quality allows me to carry on conversations with people who love sports and people who can read. This is a very useful skill. Another example: I’m single, in my 30’s, I live in Utah, AND I still go to church. Also unexpected, right? Seriously though, ask me about anything and I’ll probably have something interesting to say about it, and if I don’t I will literally just fabricate something to make you think that I know about it (my Grandpa especially loves it when I do this).

            Another thing you should know about me is that I love to entertain others! There have been times in my life that my friends would just follow me around with a camera to see what entertaining/stupid/funny thing I would do next. I once repeatedly threw myself down the side of a mountain, yelling ‘as you wish!,’ because I was being filmed and my friends wanted me to do something entertaining (this later became part of a birthday video I made for a girl I really liked…believe it or not, although she liked the video, it failed to convince her to date me). There are also a series of videos (mainly just me doing anything I could think of to make my friends laugh) from my trips to Lake Powell, that, although entertaining, will hopefully never be shown to anybody who hasn’t already seen them. (seriously, these videos could be my downfall if I ever run for public office or something).

            Also, I’ve accomplished a quite a few things in my years on this earth. Just to name a few:

-Once ate a 24 inch sub in less than 10 minutes
-4th place in 3rd grade Halloween costume contest
-High school graduate
-1st place in Los Hermanos Mexican Restaurant costume contest 2007
-2nd place in 6th grade geography bee (curse you Chris Wilson!!)
-2nd place in Los Hermanos Mexican Restaurant costume contest 2013 (curse you Popularity of Zombies! Really? The best costume goes to someone who just covered himself in fake blood? C’mon man!)
-Eagle Scout
-Scored 140 on a recent facebook I.Q. test
-Cut my own hair
-Slew the ‘Math Monster’ in 4th grade
-Won a weight loss contest and a bunch of money from my friends (here's a link)
-Beat Josh Black in an arm wrestle

            And I could go on! But I won’t.
            By now, I realize that after reading about all of my good qualities, the main reaction people will have to this is ‘Man, how is this dude still single!?!’ Well, I’ll tell you how. It’s not because I don’t have plenty of suitors. It’s because I’m TOO good of a boyfriend that things don’t work out for me. Let me explain.

            First of all, I have actually never ‘technically’ been broken up with. Sure, there are those girls (Mallory Everton) who haven’t given me a chance, but those who have were not disappointed…at least until I broke up with them.

            But also, when I begin to woo someone (yes woo), I can’t help but go all out. I once took a college stats class, which I had no need for, just because there was a girl I liked in the class. I also studied harder for that stats class (ps I hate math and specifically chose my major(s) to avoid taking any math) than any other class I ever took, just so that in the rare case this girl had a question, I could answer it. I got an A in the class. So did she (and then she married another guy who was in the same class).
            And this type of behavior continues once I begin dating someone. I basically bend over backwards catering to their every need. Unfortunately, this leads to self-neglectment (not a word) on my part, and that self-neglectment leads me to be unhappy, which leads me to break up with people. Seriously, I once dated a girl who would only eat at Mimi’s Café, and would only order the chicken strips. I don’t like Mimi’s Café, and their chicken strips are not very good, but I just kept going there anyway! Talk about sacrifice! (In her defense, she was adorable). But after a while there’s only so many times you can go to Mimi’s, you know? Of course, with this particular girl there were some red flags that I should have noticed earlier…like, I took her to get frozen yogurt one time and she tasted it, told me she didn’t like it, and made me take her to Cold Stone instead…and she beat me at bowling.

            Anyway, I hope this helps you understand me a little better, and how awesome I am…Happy Birthday to me!