Sunday, May 12, 2013

My Mom is Better Than Your Mom

            Ok, so, for those of you who read my last post, just wanted to give you a quick update. Shockingly, Mallory has still not contacted me. But I’m not giving up yet!!!  I would now like to give a personal message to Mallory, so the rest of you just skip over the next paragraph please. It’s not for you.

            Listen, Mallory, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I probably shouldn’t have been so forward in my last post. Chances are things wouldn’t work out between us. Maybe you’d break my heart. Maybe I’d break yours. BUT, what if, just what if, neither of us break the other’s heart? What then Mallory? Is that a risk you are willing to take by continuing to ignore me? And look, I’m not asking for a commitment…just a nice casual dinner…and then maybe a walk around the temple holding hands. THAT’S IT!!! No pressure. If you’re still not sold, here are a few other things you should know about me:

-       I love puppies, but I don’t care for small dogs.
-       I DO NOT like long walks on the beach. Walking in sand makes me tired. But I do like to lie on the beach very much.
-       I have watched every episode of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ so I clearly know what real life (and love) is all about. (Side note: I have also seen ‘Breaking Dawn Part 1’ all the way through. I really wish I could somehow un-see it. But I can’t. I just thought you should know.  I completely understand if this is a deal breaker).
-       I currently hold the rank of Jr. Orange Belt in Kempo Karate (earned in 7th grade). So I can definitely protect you.
-       Yes, I am 30, but tons of people tell me I look like I’m 29…and that I act way younger than I look.

And that’s just scratching the surface. So, yeah, get in touch with me. I’ll make sure I have all my lines of communication available at all times.

            Now let’s move on to the real purpose of this post. It’s Mother’s Day! And because, first, my Mother is the only consistent reader of this blog anyway, and second,  I just quit my job and then drove to and from Milwaukee, Wisconsin for no real reason and have nothing to show for it…well mother, I have hardly a dime to my name. So I’m dedicating this post to my most wonderful mother, Julee Clark Kowallis. I know this is not as good a gift as last year when I gave you that homemade card with an outline of my hand on the front (this is true), but it will have to do. (And Mallory, if you’re reading this, we don’t even have to go out if you’ll just come over for dinner and pretend to be my girlfriend for a night on Mother’s Day. My mom would flip! Not that she’s a big fan of yours or anything, she just really wants me to bring a girl over for dinner…actually, any girl reading this who would like to come over for dinner and pretend to be my girlfriend, please get in touch with me. Best Mother’s Day Gift ever!).

            I learned to respect my mother at a young age. But that was mainly because of my father. I remember one time being asked by my Mom to take the garbage out and, instead of jumping to my feet and running to take out the garbage with zeal, I, in fact, murmured and procrastinated. I found every excuse not to do it, including shutting my self into the bathroom. Well, this must have upset my mother, because pretty soon my dad came bursting into the bathroom with fire in his eyes, and lifted me off the toilet by my hair (yes, I used to have hair)! And he also had some strong words for me about showing my mom proper respect. Well. I learned a very valuable lesson that day…which was to always lock the door when going to the bathroom. No, but for reals, I did learn how much my dad cared for and respected my mom, and that I needed to have that same respect for her. After all, as she frequently reminds me, she bore me for 9 months.

            This is turning out to be a harder post than I anticipated. I’m not very good at expressing my true emotions, even in writing it turns out.

            The one thing about my mom, and about most moms I imagine, is that they never stop loving you. I know sometimes when she looks at me she wonders ‘Man, what did I do wrong with that kid?’ And that’s the crazy thing about her. I’m the one that is constantly making a mess out of my life. It has nothing to do with how she raised me (I have a tendency to do the exact opposite of what people tell me to do). But for some reason all she can do is love me, and ask herself what more she could have or can still do to help me. She’d be perfectly within her rights to introduce me to people as ‘my idiot son Karl,’ but she never does. In fact, it seems like she can’t help but talk me up to everyone. And she always tells me how much everyone she knows thinks I’m the greatest guy ever, which can’t be true, right? I mean, there’s been some pretty great guys. Abe Lincoln comes to mind.
            Anyway, the thing is, when someone loves you unconditionally, even if you don’t understand why they love you that way, you just can’t help but love them back.

            I don’t tell you enough, but I love you Mom. I really do. Thanks for putting up with me. I promise one day I’m going to turn things around, and then I’ll be able to take you on a cruise instead of writing you a blog. Happy Mother’s Day!