Sunday, April 27, 2014

Weddings and Why I'm Never Getting Married...Probably

        Greetings. I would just like to pre-empt this post with a ‘You’re Welcome,’ because I have a feeling it’s going to be good (or just really embarrassing). You can thank me later, but I’m not going to say it again.

So in the last couple of months I’ve attended two more weddings of good friends of mine. Weddings just keep happening all over the place and there’s nothing I can do to stop them! I’ve mentioned before that weddings used to do almost nothing for me. I was happy for my friends, but didn’t really give them a second thought. But as time continues to pass, my feelings about weddings have slowly been changing. Both of these last two weddings have really kind of bummed me out. And it’s not because I’m not happy for my friends. I am! I really couldn’t be happier for them. And it’s not about me being jealous or heartbroken or anything. Let me explain…

My two friends (we won’t use their real names to protect them, so let’s call them Neil and Jared), Neil and Jared, are both really great people. They are both a little bit older and wiser than I am. They both have a lot more ‘experience’ with women than I do (the last sentence is in no way pertinent to this discussion, just thought I’d mention it). And they both absolutely deserve to be married to other great people (which they now are).

        I also want to personally thank Neil for sending me this via email on the eve of his wedding…

What? This was the only thing in the email. No message, no explanation. Just this. Thank you, Neil. Very inspirational.

Anyway, the thing is, I kind of pictured these guys as, like, the absolute last holdouts on marriage. In my mind I was always like ‘Yeah, I’m not married, but neither are these two guys and they are WAAYYYYY older than me. These guys will be around forever.’ Well, not anymore Karl, not anymore.

So yeah, it’s not like I’m sitting around eating ice cream and wishing upon a star for my one true love to find me (although, has anyone tried that and does it work?). It’s more of a growing feeling of anxiety that’s hanging over me now. That pretty soon, I really will be the last one left. So it’s kinda weird, like, I'm not in emotional pain because I need love so badly or something, but I’m just panicking about being the last one unmarried. I keep envisioning me and all my friends and acquaintances, and all of us are hobos just trying to jump onto this moving train (anyone know the difference between a hobo and just a plain old bum or homeless person? I don’t either, but I feel like I always picture hobos with knapsacks and they are always trying to jump on moving trains). One by one everyone is getting on the train, except me. I’m sprinting along side and I’m just not quite fast enough to hop on. And then the train is gone. And I’m left to do whatever hobos do, only my hobo buddies aren't there anymore. And now I’m super bored...and scared because no one’s got my back if I run up against some other group of hobos, or homeless, or bums. Make sense? Maybe a better analogy is that we’re all at recess and they are picking teams for kickball, and I’m the last one left that hasn’t been picked, but the teams are already even, so they just start playing without me. And then every recess is like that FOREVER. Or like we are all bananas, and there’s monkeys selecting us one by one and eating us…well you get the idea. (Side note: I usually picture bums as unshaven and usually drunk…….and plain homeless people I picture just standing around with cardboard signs (anyone know where homeless people are getting all their cardboard…and sharpies? I feel like this is an untapped market…unless they are just getting them out of the garbage (but why would people be throwing out usable sharpies?))).

Anyway, I’m not sure what the solution is. Because there’s one thing I’m 99% positive will not happen at this point...and that’s me getting married. I know that a lot of you don’t believe me. But in a moment of clarity today, somewhere in between Neil’s wedding and reception, I realized that it’s just not happening for me. Wanna know why? Don’t answer that. I’m going to tell you either way.

Exhibit A:

This is actually the room I live in RIGHT NOW. I have not edited this photo, or the room prior to taking this picture. I was literally just typing, got up and took the picture, and came back and started typing again (I also apologize for it being a bit blurry. I ONLY have an iPhone 4. Don’t even have Siri. Some life I have).

        Thank goodness for you, that you can’t see much detail. Yes I realize I’m 31 and I live in the room of a 14 year old, only with no cool posters. I promise that what looks like a mess to you, is actually a complex organization system that only I can understand. You see there are different areas of the floor that have different types of clothes, and then they are also layered based on a number of different factors. Cleanliness, color, etc…I won’t go into detail. So…yeah. And the weird thing is that I sometimes do clean my room, and I hate it. Makes me feel anxious. I can't relax unless it looks like this.

Exhibit B:

I feel like this is very telling as well, and again nothing moved or edited for this photo, and taken only seconds after the other pic.

A few things here. First, yes that’s a stack of 900 page fantasy novels. All of which I’ve read…in the last year. There are more strewn about the room. And I loved them. And I talk about them almost everyday at work because an older gentleman named Jerry (he has his own cheesesteak named after him) comes in almost every day and he has also read them and he also loves them. So we talk about fantasy and eat cheesesteaks. It’s a good life. But I can’t marry Jerry. He’s too old…and already married. So I’m once again the slow hobo, alone with my knapsack. A knapsack full of fantasy novels.
Back to the pic…you’ll notice that next to the stack of fantasy novels, that’s where I keep all my most important documents. What you’re looking at there, my W-2’s, the actual deed to my car, my social security card, and a full punch card good for a free hot cocoa or frappe from the Cocoa Bean. That’s my filing system right there. A pile on a TV stand in my mess of a room (there used to be a TV on the TV stand, but I took it to work so I could watch basketball and cook cheesesteaks at the same time! It really is a good life…just one that no woman wants to be a part of).
Last but not least, you’ll notice a used home-1-hour-teeth-whitening kit. Yes Karl, that’s the missing link! It’s been 31 years and now all your problems are over because you have slightly whiter teeth. The women will surely flock to you. If only you would have thought of this sooner you could have been married 10 years ago! (PS IT’S A SCAM! Used it a couple of weeks ago and it just made my teeth really sensitive for like 2 days).
        Oh and there's the medicated foot powder...which I don't actually use on my feet...

That’s just a glimpse into how I live my life…trust me, you might think you want to know more but YOU DON’T.

Next problem, I’m getting less and less attractive every single day. (Warning, this is about to get graphic. You may want to stop reading now if you’re planning on eating or drinking anything soon).

        I have developed the ability to grow hair on (or in) any part of my body, EXCEPT for the one place I want to have hair…you know…like on my head. I could go into more detail…but I don’t want to.

        And getting less and less attractive is only compounding my already well-documented lack of dating skills. It’s ridiculous actually how bad I am. And here’s my main issue. Whether I go out with a girl who is absolutely amazing in everyway, or whether I go out with a girl who is absolutely terrible in everyway, the result for me is the same: I’m miserable. If I go out with a terrible girl, I think it’s obvious why I’m miserable. It’s because she’s terrible and I do not like her one bit. If I go out with the amazing girl there’s a different reason I’m miserable. When I’m around one of these types of girls, no matter how I try to fight against it, my brain stops functioning at a normal level. I swear my IQ instantly drops like 100 points. And gone are the social skills. Gone. Gone. Gone! And that’s the problem. Inevitably the girl will not like me, and I can’t even blame her! She’s basically just had a date with a high-functioning gorilla. You see how this is a lose-lose for me?

And so I don’t date…and apparently if you don’t date, it’s hard to get married. Hence the reason I’m never getting married. On the bright side I’ll have tons of time read.

       Man this post is dumb. I wish there was someone to stop me from posting it. This could be really embarrassing and end any chance of a romance blossoming between me and Mallory Everton...or any other female ever...SOMEONE HELP!

Thanks a lot 'Neil'