Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The 24 Levels of Texting Purgatory

Hello! Sponsors have been demanding more content, so here’s some more extremely embarrassing and personal information about me! I really need someone to stop me from doing things…so many things.

Anyway, I think I’ve brought this up previously, but occasionally in my life, I’ve experienced something strange. Usually I’m able to fight off the strange feelings and go on living my life as usual. You know, pretty much doing what ever I feel like doing. But sometimes, a person will come along (usually/always a female person), and for some stupid biological reason, I think that I would like to spend some of my time (the time that I normally spend on myself doing whatever I want to) trying to hang out with/spend money on said person. No matter what I do to fight it, sometimes the feeling overcomes me. My heart takes over my brain, and I’m forced to act. I believe this is what most people call ‘dating.’ I don’t know what I call it. Torture maybe? I don't know.

My go to move is to send the person a text message, inviting them to spend some amount of time with me doing some sort of activity. I know, I know! You all think that a true gentleman should call a lady if he wants the pleasure of her company (which is a ridiculous cultural stipulation by the way that, girls, for some reason decided is the proper way to ask someone out. You realize there was a way people asked out women before phones too!?! They had to talk in person because there wasn't a better way! And before that the dude just had to ask the girls dad if he could go out with his daughter! And before that the dude just had to make the dad an offer of like chickens, or cows and the dad decided whether the offer was good enough, and they didn't even date they just went straight to marriage! And before that people couldn't talk because there were no languages yet, and the dude would just hit the woman he wanted with a club, knock her out and drag her back to his cave! So don't tell me that calling on the phone is the only way to ask someone out properly! How long have phones even been around? 10-15 years at most? C'mon. Alexander Graham Bell would have texted his future wife too if the technology had existed, and I believe that guy knew a little something about the telephone. But I digress). In a perfect world, I’d be that perfect man who is a chiseled 195, and has a full head of hair, and has some mysterious job (no one knows exactly what I do, but I make tons of money), AND I can just pick up the phone willy-nilly and dial the ladies and chat them up all day with hilarious jokes and anecdotes! But, unfortunately, we all live in THIS world not the perfect one. And most of the time all real world, 235 lb, bald, sandwich shop manager Karl can muster is a text. And you all should be darn proud that I do that much every once in a while!!!!

So back to the text…usually I shoot something out that says something like this, ‘Hey, girl! So are we going out Friday night or what?’ And then, impressed by my text savvy and confidence, she’ll reply instantly with, ‘Absolutely! Pick me up at 7?’ and it’s just that easy (side note: it’s never that easy). But in some rare cases, believe it or not, when you send out a text invitation, people don’t always respond like you would like them to. Sometimes they don’t have time, or desire to spend time doing an activity with you. And sometimes, they don’t respond very quickly (if at all). If you can believe it, I’ve sent out messages that didn’t get responded for up to 24 full hours! I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone through this on occasion. I call it Karl’s 24 levels (hours) of texting purgatory. Here’s a general picture of what goes on in the 24 hours when waiting for a girl to respond to a text. (Another side note: I feel like I should say something here to all you people judging me for sending texts and not calling, and thinking to yourselves ‘See, you’d never have this problem if you’d just call.’ I don’t buy it! Let’s be honest. No one really answers their phone anymore, so you’re stuck leaving a message and then you’re playing the waiting game anyway! And I’ve heard girls playing messages back that guys have left for them and making fun of them. I don’t want to be that guy. Yeah, we sound like idiots when we leave you a message because we are super nervous. Sorry).

Hour 1: Euphoria. Still on an adrenaline high from actually working up the nerve to contact a member of the opposite sex. I do a few push-ups and then look at myself in the mirror with my shirt off and say ‘you da man’ to myself over and over while flexing. Song I’m listening to on repeat: ‘Get Lucky’ by Daft Punk

Hour 2: This is totally normal. Yeah, I know that everyone in the universe has their phone with them and on at all times and checks it every 5 seconds. But there’s a chance she’s the one person in the world who only checks her phone every couple of hours, right? She might not have seen it yet. I’m still feelin good. Song I’m listening to: ‘Love Never Felt So Good’ MJ and JT

Hour 3: Ok. I’m sweating a bit now. She’s probably in a movie or something though. So no big deal. Plus, she’s going to get out of that movie she’s probably in, and it was probably a romantic comedy, or a super hero movie, and she’s going to think to herself, ‘I need a hero in my life, and that hero is Karl Kowallis, and what do you know I have a text from him! I’ll just go ahead and reply this very second’! Song I’m listening to: ‘Holding out for a Hero’ by Bonnie Tyler

Hour 4: You know what? People lose their phones everyday. Or break them. Or forget them at home. Or they get robbed. This is what happened. Her phone is broken. Or she was robbed. Or a robber broke her phone. Or the robber has the phone and doesn’t know how to reply to my message. As soon as she can she will reply. I’m just going to take a bath and listen to some love songs and wait it out. Song: ‘Glory of Love’ Chicago

Hour 5: Maybe she didn’t pay her cell phone bill? Is there a way I can pay it for her? I’ll wire the money right now. Just reply!!! I need to hear from you. Please? ‘Missing You’ John Waites

Hour 6: I’m legitimately worried. Something must have happened to her. She’s been in some type of accident! I should probably check on her. Yes, definitely I should drive to her house right now to see if she’s ok. Would that be weird? Yes, yes it would. But what if she needs me!?!?! I can save her! I’m going. I’m totally going to go over there. ‘Hysteria’ Muse

Hour 7: I didn’t go. She’s probably fine. Let me read and re-read the message I sent and break down every word a hundred times. It’s wrong! It’s all wrong! I was trying too hard to be funny and it came off not funny at all! Just creepy! I should have used more emoticons! How is she going to know what emotional state I’m in after each sentence if I don’t include a picture of a face expressing that emotion!? This is a disaster. ‘Retrace’ Anberlin

Hour 8: You know what? I used too many emoticons and now she thinks I’m gay… Song: 'Call me Maybe?' Carly Rae Jepson

Hour 9: I need to sleep. But I can’t! My mind is racing! Why hasn’t she replied…Why?! Why!? Why ?! WHY?…….I better fill up my humidifier.

Hours 10-12:  Tossing and turning in bed...I've turned off all music and have turned on several white noise machines due to my misophonia. Can't stop thinking about the girl...and the text...and donuts.

Hours 13-15: I still can't sleep. I'm numb. I just need to feel something! So I throw on a romantic comedy. Probably something with a young Meg Ryan.

Hour 16-18: I finally get some fitful sleep. Usually I have the recurring nightmare that I'm back in college and somehow I've neglected to go to one of my classes THE ENTIRE SEMESTER! The final is today and I know nothing. Also I didn't wear any pants to school. What does it all mean?

Hour 19: Still nothing!? I know she’s alive because I was doing some internet stalking and I saw that she just posted something on Facebook. Unless…someone kidnapped her, stole her identity and is now in control of her account. It’s OK. When the police find her she will reply… ‘Time and Confusion’ Anberlin

Hour 20: Don’t you know that I just want to love you and take care of you!?!!?!?! I literally just want to spend money on you and all you have to do is eat dinner in the same room with me and it will be free for you! I won’t even make you say anything! I won’t say anything either (this might actually be true). We can just go somewhere. I’ll pay for you to eat food. Neither of us will talk or make eye contact. And then I’ll take you home! I’ll do whatever you want!!!   'There is music playing but I can't hear it over my weeping' Karl Kowallis

Hour 21: I’m panicking! She hates me. She literally despises me and is disgusted by my existence. She is out with some other guy right now and is showing him pictures of me and they are laughing at me. Is it the extra cartilage on my left ear!? Well is it!?! What is so funny!!!??? I want to die…or kill someone. One or the other.   'Shoot to Thrill' AC/DC (live album)

Hour 22: I need to rethink my whole life. My whole life is a lie. I’m making some changes! You think you can just ignore me?! Try ignoring me when I get in ridiculous shape and start dating models and celebrities! Then you’ll be sorry! Diet starts, now! From now on my life is dedicated to making you regret not responding to my text message by making myself irresistible in every way!!! Then we’ll see who ignores who! Yes. Yes, then we’ll see. BWAAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAH!!!!!   Rocky Soundtrack

Hour 23: No. No. No! You do not get to do this. You have to say something. At this point I don’t even care what you say. Just say SOMETHING. I don’t even care if it makes any sense. Just send me complete gibberish. A bunch of letters, numbers and punctuation in no particular order. I doesn't matter. I don’t care if you tell me that you wish I was never born. Anything. Anything at all! I can’t live like this!!! Just acknowledge me!!!!!!

Hour 24: I will never love again. I’m coming to terms with this. I may as well eat my feelings. I’m ordering a pizza…and wings…and those cinnamon bread sticks that you dip in frosting. You know who never let’s me down, pizza. And Batman.   The Dark Knight Soundtrack

Then eventually she replies…And I’m in love again, and I don’t care who knows it!!!

Then I reply back...