Monday, December 12, 2011

Feelings of Loneliness

So one of my very best friends just got married…actually one of my LAST very best friends to get married.  Over the years, I’ve been to dozens of weddings and what seems like hundreds of receptions. I’ve been the Best Man or a Groomsman on more than one occasion. And never once has it more than slightly affected me. My stance has remained the same: I am NOT ready to get married, and am, in fact, a bit dis-interested and a little confused about the whole concept. One day you meet a new person, someone who means nothing to you, and then, in a few short months, you decide ‘Yup, this is it…this is the person I’d like to spend the rest of my life with (and, depending on your religious beliefs, time and ALL ETERNITY) and see every single day, and share everything with, and run all my decisions by, and, most likely, give up video game football for.’ I just can’t really fathom making a decision like that. I literally cannot decide where I would like to eat most days…and I only have to live with that decision for maybe an hour or so (unless it’s a Beto’s burrito. That’ll usually come back to haunt you later). 
            But for some reason, my friend’s recent wedding has caused some sort of reaction that I can’t control. It started when I had to hold back tears during the actual wedding ceremony. My usual M.O. at these things is to be a little disgusted and annoyed by all the people crying, and then, when it’s over, give my buddy a hug and say something to get him to chuckle. But all I could muster this time was a weak “Congratulations” without bursting into tears.
            The weird part is, that, although this friend is a close one, I wouldn’t consider him my very closest (sorry Nate, I really have tried to get into motorcycles!). I’m sure he’d agree. So why was I so emotional!? This hadn’t happened at any of the other weddings I’ve been to so why now?
            Since then other strange feelings have come bubbling up. My usual routine of coming home from work with a paper bag full of fast food, plopping down in front of the TV and hanging out with myself for a few hours seemed less and less appealing (normally, I look forward to this time like it’s Christmas morning). I started having dreams about old crushes I had in high school and I began uncontrollably texting girls from my past just to see what they were doing.  I went through Netflix entire database of Romantic Comedies and added most of them to my Instant Queue and have been systematically watching them (this is true). I videoed myself asking Emma Watson if she wanted to hang out sometime/marry me and posted it to Youtube (not true, but still seriously contemplating it).  But the moment of enlightenment only came when I actually consented to going on a blind date *gasp* (those who know me know that I absolutely loathe blind dates and avoid them like the plague…no…like something worse than the plague…or like the plague AND a flock of spiders if they were both in the same place at the same time [ps if anyone knows what a big group of spiders is called let me know please. Somehow flock doesn’t seem right, but it sounded better than herd]).
             My conclusion: I must be lonely. The fact that every one of my closest friends from high school have now moved on with their lives finally put me over the edge. So THIS is the feeling that drives people to leave their comfort zone and put their heart on the line…and to spend money and time on someone who will most likely be someone else’s wife.  I don’t like it.
            The sad part is, that all of my years of being content with not dating have left me very ill-prepared to deal with these feelings.
            First of all, I do not pick up on hints, signals, non-verbal cues, or sometimes even very verbal cues that someone is interested in me. Example: I was asked to go to a movie by a girl recently. She said she had an extra ticket so I said I’d go. We drove together, and sat together and everything and then I dropped her off. And sure, looking back on this I can definitely tell that this was meant to be a date. But no joke, at the time I had NO idea! In my defense, I LIVE in what is commonly referred to as the ‘Friend-Zone.’ And I don’t just live there, I have a freaking mansion…with a pool and a full-sized basketball court…and some hounds that can be released to ward off trespassers and people trying to get me to leave.  I’m also currently in my second term as the President, Vice-President, AND Secretary of the ‘Friend-Zone.’ So yeah…I have a hard time picking up on things. Most people just wanna be friends with me.
            And as bad as I am at picking up these signals, I’m even worse at sending them. Yeah, surprisingly, not calling, talking to, or making direct eye contact with someone you might be interested in is “sending the wrong signal.” It’s a strange world we live in…very strange.
            Next, even when I do decide I’m interested in someone I have no clue how to get from point A to point B. I have no ‘game’ as they say. Example: I went to a party the other day at the house of a girl that I may or may not have been infatuated with to varying degrees for like the last 3 years or so. Was I ever going to do anything? No way! Not until these stupid feelings of loneliness hit. So I’m at the party and it’s winding down and I’m panicking because I know if I leave this party without saying something to this girl I’m never going to do anything. So I bust out my best move…I intentionally leave one of my possessions at her house and pretend that I left it there accidentally so I’ll have a chance to go back and talk to her again. Yes Seinfeld fans, George Castanza does this same thing. I pulled a Costanza. Well, anyway, I go back and retrieve this item and still don’t say anything or ask her out, which was originally part of my master plan. So then I bust out my next best move…I confess everything through text message. Yup, those are my best two moves Mom! Still shocked that I’m not married yet? Needles to say, my efforts were ineffective.
            But the real root of my problems is the simple fact that I have a hard time being in the presence of a pretty girl and forming intelligible words, let alone whole sentences and phrases! Some guys are just smooth with the ladies. I am the opposite of that. Rough. I am very rough with the ladies…I guess? Anyway, example: The other day at church a real pretty girl started talking to me. Asked me a question or something. It’s all just a blur really. All I remember is that I wanted to continue to have a conversation with her. So I said, “So…(what followed was what felt like a 30 sec. pause while my mind went completely blank. Literally, no thoughts whatsoever going through my brain. And to make matters worse she’s looking directly at me, so now all I can focus on his her stupid pretty girl features…you know, eyes, lips, long shiny hair, all of it! I have to look away to regain a bit of my focus and I blurt out the first conversational words that enter my mind)…you going to go to…(what followed was yet another discernable pause when I accidentally look at her again, go blank, look away and scramble to come up with some social event only to realize I don’t go to social events and, therefore, have no stockpile of them to ask people about hidden somewhere in my brain! So then I blurt out the last thing we talked about in ward council because it’s the only thing I can think of)…stake choir?”
            ‘So…you going to go to…STAKE CHOIR?!’ That’s the one sentence I can muster up?! Side note: I have never gone to or had any intention of participating in the stake choir.
            I think we talked for another minute or so, but like I said, it’s all just a blur really and all I could think about while we were talking was how dumb that question was and how white her teeth were.
            Anyway, it’s a predicament. For the time being I’m going to try and wait it out and hopefully the feelings will just pass. And I’m going to avoid weddings.



  1. lol that was a funny post. Sorry you're in pain. Good luck with your blind date...those things are the worse!

  2. My reaction to this post is apparently very long. First of all, I've seen you talk to plenty of pretty girls and you're just fine at it. You're selling yourself short. Also, I'm sure lots of girls like you--you're just picky. You know I'm right. Also, I KNEW you left that thing at that place on purpose! Quinn and I called it. :) Also, we were rooting for you there. And saying what you need to say via text message is better than not saying anything at all. And last but not least, I still look forward to eating fast food and watching TV by myself. I just don't get to very often. So savor those moments. They'll be gone before you know it. Sorry... that wasn't last. I'm also glad to see you posting again. Always a pleasure to read. Oh and one more thing--this post made me try and stalk Nate, but he UNFRIENDED ME!! WTF?! I appreciate you sticking out our FB friendship, Karl.

  3. The only thing true about this post is that you are miserably terrible at picking up on 'hints.' :) And that weddings turn everyone into saps (myself included). You'll probably blubber like a baby at your own! But it sounds like there are plenty of girls trying to get your attention, so buck up little camper and get out there! One of your best qualities is your ability to say silly things and not sound stupid. Now, I will admit I want you to get married for selfish reasons. I want you to have kids so that I can marry one of mine off to them. :) I'm all about arranged marriages!

  4. Karston and I laughed so hard while I was reading this post....well, I laughed really hard and Karston laughed because I was laughing so hard! Jeff has always told me how funny you are and you really are so funny....I still can't stop laughing!

    In all seriousness, I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely, but I'm glad you're feeling the itch to go on dates and get married! You need to meet a nice girl and move to Oregon so we can all hang out and our kids can be friends :) You have so many things going for you...don't give up!

  5. Love it dude keep em coming. What better way to take away the sting of loneliness than to go to a Jazz game with your good old pal kage. We'll talk.

  6. Love it! Nice to see another post. Should I be offended that I've had real conversations with you? Does that make me not pretty? :) Now that you're up for blind dates, I'll start sending them your way. . .

  7. Oh Karl! You have game. You just don't know it. Remember when I asked you out to a dance in High School, but you had already been asked by someone else, and you felt bad that you had to tell me no? You walked over with cookies and flowers, if I'm remembering correctly.? And you looked really nervous to say you couldn't go. I thought it was so adorable. Having game and being smooth is all relative, anyway. You'll find a girl that digs your shyness and quirky ways. Dude... my first kiss was my husband and it wasn't until college! I was SO awkward in the dating scene, but all my college guy friends were floored when they found out that I had good ol' virgin lips and it got me MAJOR bonus points. ha ha. They thought it was so attractive. So I'll I'm sayin' is that it's ok to not be smooth and inexperienced. I find it kinda cute:) Just like that guy in the movie "Hitch" who scored the cute girl because of his awkward quirks, you will too. :) :) Keep the faith. She's out there.

    p.s. you're hilarious and I thoroughly enjoyed this blog post. Keep them coming!

  8. Hey man I know we didn't know each other really well in High School but I loved this post. Seriously you had me rolling at "Stake Choir!" Lol!

    You're a funny guy. You ever wanna come out with another single guy and hit on chicks or go out with girls I know, ex's, etc hit me up on Facebook. I'm just a lonely single guy myself now :)