So the thing about blind dates is…well come to think of it
there are many things about blind dates. But the main thing is that I hate
them. I’m 30, single, and living in Utah County, which means I’ve been on like
a bazillion blind dates. (Side note: for those fact checking, a bazillion is a
made up number. I’ve probably only been on like 50 or something. But it’s a
lot). This means I’ve spent an inordinate amount of my personal time (and
money) doing something that I hate. Lucky me.
Why,
Karl, you ask, do you hate blind dates so much? Let me explain:
First,
the person or people who try to set me up are almost exclusively married/in a
serious relationship. I’ve observed over the years that some strange things
happen to people that are married/in a serious relationship. They forget what
it was like to be single. I’ve seen it over and over again. Take for example
any of my former friends and roommates who are now married. A few weeks ago
they could have been sitting on the couch (un-showered and wearing sweat pants)
with me, eating fast food and complaining to me about women and how they’ll
never understand them and how dating is the worst, and then BOOM! They meet
someone and get married and the next day they have magically transformed into
some kind of dating expert. They have now unlocked the secrets of the universe
and if you would only do exactly what they did, you will be married too in no
time at all!
The
problem I have with this is that no two stories about how people met are alike,
and almost all of them involve a good deal of dumb luck. And then there’s that
irrational and unpredictable factor that always seems to come in to play. Some
people refer to it as love I think? And it seems like once that factor is
introduced, any type of method or plan that a ‘dating expert’ could potentially
give me goes out the window anyway, right?
Anyway,
the point is that, even with all their expertise now that they’ve mastered
dating and moved on, the best way they have come up with to help others get
married is to blindly throw two single people together and hope that they
stick!
It’s
like the only criteria they are looking for when setting me up is that the
other person is also single. Not age, attractiveness, intelligence level,
(gender) or any other quality that might indicate compatibility. Just the
single-ness of the other person.
I
can’t tell you how many blind dates I’ve been on (dates where I was set up by
someone close to me, someone who I may have even spent hours and hours
discussing how I felt about women and my preferences, someone I trusted) where
I finally meet the person they’ve set me up with and it makes me wonder if they
even know anything about me at all!
(Side
note: to those of you reading this who may or may not have tried setting me up
in the past, just know that I’m still grateful for your efforts. I know you’re
just trying to help).
Second
thing I hate: Why do you assume that because I’m single I either need or want
you forcing me to date strangers?
Hey
I know I look pathetic and unable to talk to women or decide who I want to date
on my own (ok, so there may be some slight truth to that in my case). But I do
live in Utah County. I’m surrounded by eligible bachlorettes! I actually know
quite a few girls and believe it or not a lot of them are pretty in to me! Some
have even proposed marriage (false). The point being here is that I have a hard
enough time asking out the girls I know and that I know I like. So why in the
world would I want to go out with someone I don’t know at all?
There
are many other reasons I dislike blind dates (including that it’s a form of
normal dating, which I also hate). But, mainly, to me it just seems like such
an ineffective and awkward way to meet someone. You’re meeting each other for
the first time in a situation where you both know the other person is weighing
and measuring you, how you look, how you talk, what your job is. And then
passing some sort of judgment based on these surface/superficial qualities. And
yes I realize that’s what dating is in general (part of why I hate it). But on
blind dates I think that judgment happens almost instantaneously, at which
point, no matter what judgment was made (most of the time it’s that neither of
you are really interested in the other person), you then force yourselves to
spend the next few hours together (which will feel like 3 days). One of you
(me) also gets to pay.
So,
about 3 or 4 years ago (maybe longer) I just started dodging any and all
attempts by people to set me up. I had just had enough. ‘I know how much you
like talking on the phone to strangers so here’s a strangers phone number so
you can call them and see if they’ll have an awkward lunch with you’ is all I
hear when people try to set me up. So I’ve been dodging. But people are
persistent. They must REALLY want me to meet all these single women they know
in an awkward date setting! And so they persist.
Well,
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings anymore. So I’ve come up with some
guidelines for setting me up. If you follow the guidelines I’m about to post, I
will go out with the girl you think is single enough for me to fall in love
with.
- It has
to be a double date with the person setting me up. Look, if it goes bad
(which it will) at least I can talk to you. And if you want to set me up badly
enough to also accompany me on a possible train-wreck of a date, then you
must be pretty confident in who you’re setting me up with. (This rule
applies to you to Mom!)
- I
don’t want to do any work. If you just give me the phone number of a girl
I have never seen nor met and tell me to call her, I can promise you one
thing: I will not call her…ever. I want the date to be planned and
arrangements made for me to pick up the girl without me having to talk to
her. Better yet, I just want to show up somewhere and she’s already there
with you (you, the people I’m doubling with because you chose to set me
up).
- She
has to have seen a picture of me, preferably a bad picture of me, and
still agree to go on a date with me. The last thing I need is for someone
to go into shock upon seeing me for the first time (take that how you
want). I don’t care as much about seeing a picture of them, because, you
know, I’m not into all the superficial stuff like how someone looks. Because…what’s
on the inside, right? (Actually it’s because I’m just going on this date
as a favor to you and do not expect it to actually go anywhere so it
doesn’t matter what they look like).
That’s
really it. Not to bad, right? I’ll even pay and everything! (For me and my date
at least. Don’t get greedy now!). So let the set-ups begin!!!
Actually,
they have begun already. Thursday night, I had some friends meet all of the
qualifications, and I went on a blind date…
And
in perhaps the most shocking turn of events in my short time here on this
Earth, my friends who set me up, knocked it out of the park! And I’m not just
talking one of those dinky home runs that barely clears the fence…I’m talking a
Grand Slam, hit by Mark McGuire while he was on steroids in the late 90’s (side note: I do not like baseball). If you would have told me there was a person out there who
loves going to BYU football and basketball games, but also enjoys watching a
Lord of the Rings marathon with her family, and also I would be attracted to this
person’s looks and personality, and also that this person was female, I would
have spat directly in your face…ok I would not have spat but I would have at
least laughed.
At
this point I’m assuming that you (the thousands upon thousands of readers of
this blog) are assuming that this date went really well. If you’re assuming
that, then your assumption, unfortunately, is WRONG!
To
back this up a bit, before the date as I got ready, I was also wrongly assuming
that this was going to be a normal blind date, and was praying that it could
end swiftly and painlessly (just like my own life will one day end…hopefully). But nevertheless,
I prepared.
Another
reason I hate dating: I get anxious. Like borderline 'I need professional help' anxious. I’ve tried to explain to people that I don’t have an anxiety problem.
I have an anxiety avoidance problem. My life is built around staying out of any
situation that could potentially cause me to feel anxiety. Hence, the main
reason I don’t usually date is to avoid feeling anxiety. But I prepared to
fight the onslaught of anxiety by taking an antacid and a bunch of
pepto-bismol. Which probably would have been fine by itself.
But
a couple of weeks earlier, word of my anxiety (avoidance) problem had begun
circulating throughout my extended family. And a well-meaning relative had
given me a couple of little yellow anxiety pills to try to help me out. I have
no idea what they are and never intended to take them. Because you see, the
problem with anxiety avoidance is that since I’m always just avoiding
situations that cause anxiety, I don’t feel the need for any type of
medication. Make sense? Good.
Well,
on this night, I just thought, ‘Why not? What the H-E-double-hockey-sticks.
This is just some dumb blind date anyway’, and I took the mystery medicine.
15
minutes later at dinner, my world began spinning. I was light-headed and dizzy
and a bit sleepy for most of the evening. I definitely tried to use my best
‘game’ (of which I have very little already) because my friends had set me up
with potentially the PERFECT WOMAN!
But I don’t think my ‘game’ mixed to well with the medicine. I’m not
exactly sure what happened, but I think my best ‘game’ became just kind of
staring at her stupidly (most likely with my mouth hanging open) hoping she’d
ask me a question or something (which she never did). I do know that I felt
really weird, I lost a game of miniature croquet, and I had absolutely no
anxiety… that is until the point of the date when I was supposed to ask her for
her number or some type of information for future use in contacting her (again,
this was maybe the perfect women…but also maybe just the drugs? Either way I
blew it).
I’ve
now written close to 2000 words in this entry, without one mention of Mallory
Everton, and it’s all been leading up to this one question, for you (the avid
and massive readership of this blog). I’m sure I made a terrible impression,
and I’m sure she wasn’t too interested in me on this date, due to a number a
factors. But, I would really like to know if she is the perfect woman. What do
I do? Good luck.
