Friday, November 5, 2010

Very Possibly the Nerdiest Thing You Will Ever Read

 Listen, I have an NBA game on in the background right now this so you can’t judge me too harshly for writing this. But this issue is so important I thought it merited it’s own blog post. This is one of those issues that’s been weighing heavily on people’s minds for a while now, especially with the recent elections. I know for a fact that a lot of people based their votes this last week on what the candidates stand was on this very issue.  The issue, my friends, is that of who would win in a battle between The Dark Lord Sauron and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (aka Lord Voldemort).

My friend Mark McKay posed this question to me yesterday via text message. I answered him right away that Sauron would win hands down.  He then replied that he thought Lord Voldemort would be the victor (of course he spelled it valdamort in the original text message which I feel automatically disqualifies any of his arguments).  We then proceeded to have a text argument, which took up a lot of my valuable work time, and has now spilled onto the pages of a social media site called “The Facebook.”  So I’ve decided to put this matter to bed in the most objective and fair way possible:  posting a few completely biased opinions on the matter to my personal blog. Here goes.

Sauron- His character appears in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, in which he must be defeated or the world is doomed forever. This book was written by world-renowned author J.R.R. Tolkien who was not only a respected professor of English, but is widely recognized as the father of the fantasy genre of literature. So in a way, you could say, that Sauron is Voldemort’s daddy.

Voldemort- He is the main villain in the Harry Potter series; books that were originally intended to entertain small children.  The series was written by J.K. Rowling; a woman who was essentially homeless before writing it.  She is probably best know for turning one of the heroes of her story gay at the last minute, not that that makes him any less of a hero. Just didn’t add anything to the story.

Power Source:
Sauron- His powers are derived from a single ring, which can only be destroyed in one place in the entire world, Mt. Doom.  Mt. Doom is located in the Middle of Sauron’s domain and is heavily guarded by thousands of orcs. Even when the ring isn’t in his possession, he can still channel some of its power unless it is completely destroyed. The ring can also not be used against him, because its powers are such that they eventually overcome any being that possesses it and turn them to pure evil.

Voldemort- He gets his powers from studying dark magic for many years. But, as with all witches and wizards, his powers can pretty much only be put to use when he has a wand in his hand, an object that can easily be snapped in half or lost and rendered useless.

Sauron-His minions include nine ring wraiths who fly around terrorizing people on these evil dragon-looking things. They cannot be killed by men. He also controls a limitless amount of orcs, evil men and mercenaries.  And he managed to convince the most powerful good wizard in the world to join his cause.  Before the ring is destroyed, his minions were on the verge of taking over THE ENTIRE WORLD!

Voldemort-Has a few other wizards who follow him around called ‘Death Eaters.’  It’s never been documented whether or not any of them actually eat death. Most of the time, like Voldemort, these followers remain in hiding. In the end, the Death Eaters ALMOST succeed in taking over a SINGLE wizarding school, but are thwarted by a small group of students.

Sauron-Controls his own country, Mordor, which is impenetrable by even the largest of armies. Protecting it are his minions, giant man-eating spiders, and thousands of miles of shear desolation. All of which he keeps a constant watch on with his all seeing eye.

Spends 6 out of 7 books in hiding and on the run because he’s afraid of an old and supposedly gay (not that that makes him any less formidable) wizard named Dumbledore.

Sauron-Was, in fact, defeated accidentally by a creature called Gollum, who bites the ring off of the finger of Frodo the hobbit and then, in a crazed stupor, falls into the Cracks of Doom. It should be noted that Frodo did make it all the way to Mt. Doom before the power of Sauron and the ring ultimately overcame him.

Voldemort- Was defeated (multiple times actually) in a head-to-head dual with 17 year old Harry Potter, who frequently complains throughout the series that he is not actually that good at magic.  Originally Voldemort lost all of his powers because of an emotion (love) and it continued to keep those powers in check for well over a decade.  Voldy should be given some credit though for splitting his soul into seven parts in an attempt to become invincible. Unfortunately for him, the objects in which he hid the parts of his soul were easily tracked down and destroyed by 3 teenagers.

In summary, I submit that all things considered, Voldemort would wet his wizarding robes if he came across Sauron in a dark alley. I’ll admit that I love the H.P. books. In fact, I may or may not be planning to go to the midnight showing of the new movie in a couple weeks and I may or may not be planning to dress up as a character from the books for the event. But saying Voldemort could defeat Sauron is like saying that I, a certified junior orange belt, could beat Bruce Lee in a fight. Although my marital arts skills are pretty good, I wouldn’t dream of attacking someone who is obviously my superior.

Again I would like to reiterate the fact that I watched pretty much an entire NBA basketball game while writing this. I like normal stuff and nerdy stuff, okay! It’s allowed! 

For any single women reading this that may have been thinking that you wanted to go out with me: I actually just downloaded this from the internet and thought it would be funny to post it…unless reading this somehow made you want to date me even more, in which case, here’s my phone number: 8013808891


  1. Thank you, Karl, for being the voice of reason in this crazy world.

  2. I can almost see you pounding your fist of furry on the table as you vehemently debate this oh so critical topic. I have another one for you that really gets under my skin: Why are zombies and vampires called the 'undead?' Aren't we, as living people, all technically undead? I think a more appropriate term would be 'supposed to be dead' or something to that effect. Just a thought.

  3. Awe.Some! I too love each series, but I don't think I can find any flaw in your arguments.

    P.S. Perhaps it was a subconscious slip of the fingers, but you spelled "martial" "marital", and though I don't doubt that your marital arts skills are good, I was trying to conjure up a vision of you attacking someone who was obviously your superior in marriage. I couldn't decide what that would look like.

    (And lest you think I'm just trying to be a editing snob, I want you to know that I only wrote all of this because of your not getting married and not needing addresses facebook page.)

    (And also, in case you are wondering why a random person is commenting here, just ask Leanna.)