I'm turning 30! (Plus a message to my celebrity crush) by Karl Kowallis

          Hello readers of this blog! Thanks for reading...or for at least for clicking on the link so my blog thinks that you read it…and for keeping profanities to a minimum in the comments section.

          I’ve arrived at a point of my life where some serious reflection has been required. I actually don’t know quite what to think or how to feel about this, but I’m turning 30 years old on March 10^th. I don’t know whether to celebrate or go and find somewhere to curl up in the fetal position and wait for death to take me. Anyway, in honor of this momentous occasion, I’ve decided to give you all an update on my life.

            This blog is called Life: The Guidebook for a reason. That reason is that if you wanna know how you should be living your life, all you have to do is read this blog…and then do the exact opposite of everything I do or tell you to do! It’s simple really. So here’s what I’m up to:

            The first thing to know is that, at age 30, I’m constantly working on improving my quality of life. That’s why I am currently back living in my parent’s basement! I know what you’re thinking, that I really should NOT be living in my parent’s basement at age 30, right? Well, yeah maybe you’re right. But look at this from my perspective. I don’t pay rent (if you had a choice between paying rent and not paying rent what would you do?). There is a fridge full of food. And if I get scared at night my parent’s bedroom is right up stairs! It’s the American Dream (this is why we all voted for Obama right?)! The only downside is that if I miss my 11:00pm curfew my parents cut my allowance (I’m just telling a little joke there. They’d never cut my allowance for missing curfew. I might get grounded though).

            I also have a fantastic job! I am a part-time manager at a local Mexican restaurant. I’m kind of a big deal. This is a great job because I know every day I’m probably either going to be yelled at by an angry customer or have to yell at an employee. Surprisingly I actually prefer to be yelled at than to have to yell at someone. Sometimes this makes me less effective as a manager. But I do my best. Recently, to try and motivate the staff, I ‘sorted’ all of the employees into ‘houses’ (yes like on Harry Potter). Now, as the ‘head master’ of sorts, I can go around giving and taking points from people for whatever I want. Employees can really rack up the points by complimenting my looks. The house that has the most points at the end of the month will get an awesome prize (at least that’s what I’m letting the staff believe). How fun is that! Also I have plenty of free time to work on my next multi-million dollar business venture…and to read fantasy novels and watch Hulu Plus.

            I’m also still attending church, which from what I understand about the single-30-year-old-balding-male-living-at-home-with-a-part-time-job demographic, is quite the accomplishment. I spend most of my time at church arguing with the ward clerk about whether my position as EXECUTIVE SECRETARY is higher than his (Neil are you the executive clerk or just the clerk? That’s what I thought).

            As for my love life, to say it’s going really, really well right now would just be an understatement. To give you a point of reference, I usually try to maintain at least 1 or 2 hopeless and secret crushes on girls (actually women) at any given time as well as at least one hopeless crush on a celebrity (just for fun, ok). Well, I’m actually currently engaged in at least 4 legitimate hopeless/secret crushes right now! 4! This is ground breaking for me; especially since the last couple years it’s been a struggle to even find one. I’ve been in a destructive state of mind where I preferred to look at/interact with slices of pizza more than women. I think I’m coming out of it now. Also, my celebrity crushes are usually Hollywood stars that I know I have no hope of meeting or ever even seeing in real life. And even if by some miracle I was to meet, say, Emma Watson, I’d somehow have to convince her that she should be interested in a 30 year old manager of a Mexican restaurant living in his parents basement, rather than in any number of wealthy, good looking celebrities and the like that she has access to (Side Note: I have this same struggle convincing non-celebrity women). And if by some larger miracle I actually were able to convince someone like Emma Watson to be interested in me, I would only end up breaking her heart. Sure, I’d date her for a while, and write bad poetry about her (I’d be doing my best though) and try to learn how to speak in a British accent to make her feel more comfortable, but differences in our religious upbringing and moral standards would be too much and would eventually lead to the downfall of our relationship. Well, things are really looking up on this front as well. Let me introduce you to my current celebrity crush: the beautiful, funny, talented, MORMON Mallory Everton!

Here she is in the hit sketch comedy show put on by BYUTV, Studio C. (Just to be clear she is the on the left doing modified exercises, not the one in the middle or on the right with the mustache):

And she sings, plays the guitar AND has a spiritual side:

And here she is in a commercial for BYU:

Ok…I agree that one is a bit strange, but in some weird way it manages to instill within me a burning desire to attend BYU (again).

Now, the great thing about this celebrity crush is that if by some miracle we meet, and if by some miracle she somehow becomes interested in me, and if by some miracle we begin dating and fall into deep romantic love with one another and she sings me to sleep every night and plays her guitar for me and does funny impressions of Russian women to keep me entertained…well, then we can also get married in the temple. Win, win?

Yes I realize this blog just got real creepy. But if I can’t post creepy stuff to my own blog then where can I? And feel free to stop reading now if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable, because it’s about to get even creepier.

Here’s a picture of me wearing the t-shirt Mallory threw to me during a recent taping of Studio C.

So it’s a bit small for me. I don’t care, I’m still going to keep wearing it everyday under my clothes.

Mallory, if you’re reading this blog, here’s why you should go out with me:

1. I’m not as creepy in real life as I seem in this blog (unless by writing it I’ve actually become as creepy as I seem?).
2. I can only have more success in my life than what I have now. When you’re at the bottom the only place to go is up. So if we go out and you can stand me even a little bit, by my logic things can only get better from there.
3. I haven’t had a speeding ticket in like 5 or 6 years.
4. I enjoy romantic comedies so we’ll never have to argue about going to see one.
5. If we do go out and it’s just as bad as you’re thinking it’s going to be, you’ll have a great story to tell for years to come. And maybe it will even give you some material for another sketch. (PS I have some other great ideas for your show I’d love to bounce off of you. Like, I have this adult-sized bacon slice costume, and somebody could be wearing it in one of the sketches or something. Still fine tuning it).

Anyway, I think you get the picture. Sure it’s not pretty, but it’s a picture. Look, in the NFL or the NBA, sometimes they will draft a player solely on potential. He hasn’t accomplished much yet, but they can see he’s just a freak athlete. That’s how you should view me…as some massive untapped potential that can be molded into something great.

So yeah, feel free to contact me at 801-400-5281. Or on Facebook. Or on Twitter (@karlkowallis). You definitely won’t regret it most likely.

Mallory, or Mal, if I can call you that. You don’t have to be the third wheel anymore.

So anyway, that’s pretty much how my life is going right now…yep.