Friday, September 20, 2013

Changing Environments

            Hello everyone! If you are a first time reader of this blog, congratulations. You’ve just stumbled upon the greatest blog in the history of mankind (according to some sources). FACT: In almost 3 years of operation this blog has already had 4,700 page views. That’s LITERALLY over 1,000 views per calendar year. Numbers don’t lie people. Do the math.

            I’ve made some pretty significant life choices over the past few months, and I decided it’s time for an update. And I know you have nothing better to do than read about my life, so you’re welcome.

            I’ll start of by telling you that I have recently changed environments. It really has taken its toll on me. Moving from Provo to Orem is a bigger change than you might think! First I had to move out of my parent’s basement, so warm and cozy…and free. It hasn’t been easy. I live in an apartment now and sometimes I go open the fridge and think ‘Hey, where’s all the food?’ And then I remember that now that I’m living on my own, if I want food I have to go buy it myself (or drive over to my parents house).
            Second, I also began attending a new single’s ward. For those non-LDS readers of this blog (probably no one), a ward is a group of Mormons that live in close proximity to each other and worship together on Sundays. A single’s ward is where regular Mormons have decided to put those of us who are not married and have become menaces to society (this happens to Mormon men at age 26), to basically get us out of the way because we are super awkward and don’t know what it’s like to love. It’s also an attempt to get us singles to mingle, fall in love, and get married, and then, hopefully most of us (statistically speaking, about half) will live happily ever after for the rest of time and eternity. Well, this has been a particularly difficult adjustment for me. To give you some reference, I had been attending my last ward pretty much exclusively since 2006. For single’s wards, that’s an extremely long time. People aren’t supposed to BE in single’s wards that long. I was. And it was awesome! I was completely comfortable. Because I had been there so long (and, as a natural effect of that, had almost every calling), I kind of reached a status where no one really questioned my actions. If I wanted to attend Relief Society instead of Priesthood, I just did it (for those non LDS readers, Relief Society is exclusive to women…so yeah, I ALWAYS wanted to go to Relief Society instead of Priesthood. Little known fact about single’s ward Relief Society: It smells AMAZING in their room. It’s like you’re laying in meadow filled with wild-flowers while someone’s baking cookies nearby and also someone is shoving fruit up your nose. It’s fantastic). And no one ever said anything.
            So since I’ve been in my new ward I’ve really been trying to make a good impression, to hopefully get back to a point where I can just attend Relief Society again instead of Priesthood. Luckily for me, there are plenty of opportunities to do so in the single’s ward, because, in an effort to get us married off, the church spends quite a bit of time and money on single’s ward activities. At the first activity I attended in my new ward, we played a game called Human Foosball (it’s exactly what it sounds like). Well, in an effort to impress the ladies, I may have become a bit over-zealous in this game of Human Foosball (albeit a very completive and serious sport in some circles). And as a result, I ripped my shorts. And when I say ripped, I’m not talking about a little tear. I mean they ripped, almost completely off. Needless to say, I had made and impression.
            The next activity I attended was kickball (side note: if you haven’t played kickball as an adult, you haven’t lived!!! It was an absolute blast and over a series of 3 or 4 weeks our ward won the championship. Orem 4th Ward rules). Another perfect opportunity to impress, and hopefully redeem myself from the short ripping incident. Well, my first ‘at bat’ went well, except that I pulled my hamstring. Let me repeat that. I pulled my hamstring, playing kickball... You know, you hear a lot about those devastating kickball injuries, but you never expect it to happen to you. Anyway, so I was left with no choice but to continue to play hurt, because that’s the smart thing to do. And each time I kicked it got worse and worse until all I could do was slowly hobble around the bases. Which, in hindsight was a good thing, because I didn’t want all the girls to just like me because of what a great athlete I am. I want them to like me for what’s on the inside.
            If you think that just ripping my shorts and pulling my hamstring in the first two weeks being in my new ward was enough to tell people everything they needed to know about me, think again! On a Sunday soon afterwards, I gave myself a haircut, attended 3 hours of church, and then upon arriving home and to my absolute horror, I found that I had missed a sizeable patch of hair on the back of my head.
            And if you think that ripping my shorts, pulling my hamstring, and going to church with only a partially shaved head was enough to tell people everything they needed to know about me, think again! Over the past month I have given a Priesthood lesson and a talk in church, and for some strange reason I felt compelled to tell everyone in the ward about my very deep and personal social and financial problems!
            There’s really no way to know how many hearts I’ve broken so far in my new ward.
            But seriously it’s been good and it’s starting to grow on me.

            I also started a new job. I am currently the manager at DP Cheesesteaks in Provo. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but when you consider that 2 of my 3 favorite foods are cheese and steak, it’s really a pretty good deal. Come in and see me sometime. The food really is fantastic.

            And as for the love life, well, having one is still a possibility at some point in the future I suppose. I got pretty close to going on a blind date a week or so ago. It was supposed to be a double date with my cousin (who was setting me up), but at the last minute she wasn’t able to come, which would have left just me and a girl going out alone (can you imagine!), so I panicked and backed out too. So things are looking up!

Still no response from Mallory, even after I pretty much single handedly helped her win that Facebook contest. BUT, the good news is…this:
So a friend of mine texted me last night and invited me to go to a ‘story telling’ event. I didn’t know what this meant. But he told me Mallory Everton would be there telling a story. So I said ‘that sounds weird, but I’m in!’
Maybe I’d get to finally meet her and confess my feelings!!! So I changed in to my most impressive outfit (shown below),

sprayed on some Axe body spray, and off I went to the story telling. And it was exactly that. Just people getting up on stage and telling stories about themselves. Mallory was the story telling finale (obviously) and she was awesome (obviously). And then it was over. And I had my chance. There were only like 30 people at this thing and I was sitting directly across from her. The whole show I psyched myself out to go talk to her after and just introduce myself casually and then casually ask her if she wanted to get married. But anyway, it ended and I had to pass right by her to leave, and then…I walked right by her and out the door without even looking directly at her (obviously).  Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about women it’s that they hate it when guys just come right out and start talking to them and stuff.  You don't want to seem too eager. Right?

Anyway, if you’re still reading this, thanks. And have a great day!


  1. Mallory probably went home and blogged because she wanted you to talk to her, but you just left instead. Way to leave her feeling like she was a failure.

  2. I agree with Nate. Any idea what her blog URL is? I'm happy to do some recon for you. :)

  3. I love DP Cheesesteaks!!! If only they could love me back...