Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I'm turning 30! (Plus a message to my celebrity crush) by Karl Kowallis

          Hello readers of this blog! Thanks for reading...or for at least for clicking on the link so my blog thinks that you read it…and for keeping profanities to a minimum in the comments section.

          I’ve arrived at a point of my life where some serious reflection has been required. I actually don’t know quite what to think or how to feel about this, but I’m turning 30 years old on March 10th. I don’t know whether to celebrate or go and find somewhere to curl up in the fetal position and wait for death to take me. Anyway, in honor of this momentous occasion, I’ve decided to give you all an update on my life.

            This blog is called Life: The Guidebook for a reason. That reason is that if you wanna know how you should be living your life, all you have to do is read this blog…and then do the exact opposite of everything I do or tell you to do! It’s simple really. So here’s what I’m up to:

            The first thing to know is that, at age 30, I’m constantly working on improving my quality of life. That’s why I am currently back living in my parent’s basement! I know what you’re thinking, that I really should NOT be living in my parent’s basement at age 30, right? Well, yeah maybe you’re right. But look at this from my perspective. I don’t pay rent (if you had a choice between paying rent and not paying rent what would you do?). There is a fridge full of food. And if I get scared at night my parent’s bedroom is right up stairs! It’s the American Dream (this is why we all voted for Obama right?)! The only downside is that if I miss my 11:00pm curfew my parents cut my allowance (I’m just telling a little joke there. They’d never cut my allowance for missing curfew. I might get grounded though).

            I also have a fantastic job! I am a part-time manager at a local Mexican restaurant. I’m kind of a big deal. This is a great job because I know every day I’m probably either going to be yelled at by an angry customer or have to yell at an employee. Surprisingly I actually prefer to be yelled at than to have to yell at someone. Sometimes this makes me less effective as a manager. But I do my best. Recently, to try and motivate the staff, I ‘sorted’ all of the employees into ‘houses’ (yes like on Harry Potter). Now, as the ‘head master’ of sorts, I can go around giving and taking points from people for whatever I want. Employees can really rack up the points by complimenting my looks. The house that has the most points at the end of the month will get an awesome prize (at least that’s what I’m letting the staff believe). How fun is that! Also I have plenty of free time to work on my next multi-million dollar business venture…and to read fantasy novels and watch Hulu Plus.

            I’m also still attending church, which from what I understand about the single-30-year-old-balding-male-living-at-home-with-a-part-time-job demographic, is quite the accomplishment. I spend most of my time at church arguing with the ward clerk about whether my position as EXECUTIVE SECRETARY is higher than his (Neil are you the executive clerk or just the clerk? That’s what I thought).

            As for my love life, to say it’s going really, really well right now would just be an understatement. To give you a point of reference, I usually try to maintain at least 1 or 2 hopeless and secret crushes on girls (actually women) at any given time as well as at least one hopeless crush on a celebrity (just for fun, ok). Well, I’m actually currently engaged in at least 4 legitimate hopeless/secret crushes right now! 4! This is ground breaking for me; especially since the last couple years it’s been a struggle to even find one. I’ve been in a destructive state of mind where I preferred to look at/interact with slices of pizza more than women. I think I’m coming out of it now. Also, my celebrity crushes are usually Hollywood stars that I know I have no hope of meeting or ever even seeing in real life. And even if by some miracle I was to meet, say, Emma Watson, I’d somehow have to convince her that she should be interested in a 30 year old manager of a Mexican restaurant living in his parents basement, rather than in any number of wealthy, good looking celebrities and the like that she has access to (Side Note: I have this same struggle convincing non-celebrity women). And if by some larger miracle I actually were able to convince someone like Emma Watson to be interested in me, I would only end up breaking her heart. Sure, I’d date her for a while, and write bad poetry about her (I’d be doing my best though) and try to learn how to speak in a British accent to make her feel more comfortable, but differences in our religious upbringing and moral standards would be too much and would eventually lead to the downfall of our relationship. Well, things are really looking up on this front as well. Let me introduce you to my current celebrity crush: the beautiful, funny, talented, MORMON Mallory Everton!

Here she is in the hit sketch comedy show put on by BYUTV, Studio C. (Just to be clear she is the on the left doing modified exercises, not the one in the middle or on the right with the mustache):

And she sings, plays the guitar AND has a spiritual side:

And here she is in a commercial for BYU:

Ok…I agree that one is a bit strange, but in some weird way it manages to instill within me a burning desire to attend BYU (again).

Now, the great thing about this celebrity crush is that if by some miracle we meet, and if by some miracle she somehow becomes interested in me, and if by some miracle we begin dating and fall into deep romantic love with one another and she sings me to sleep every night and plays her guitar for me and does funny impressions of Russian women to keep me entertained…well, then we can also get married in the temple. Win, win?

Yes I realize this blog just got real creepy. But if I can’t post creepy stuff to my own blog then where can I? And feel free to stop reading now if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable, because it’s about to get even creepier.

Here’s a picture of me wearing the t-shirt Mallory threw to me during a recent taping of Studio C.

So it’s a bit small for me. I don’t care, I’m still going to keep wearing it everyday under my clothes.

Mallory, if you’re reading this blog, here’s why you should go out with me:

  1. I’m not as creepy in real life as I seem in this blog (unless by writing it I’ve actually become as creepy as I seem?).
  2. I can only have more success in my life than what I have now. When you’re at the bottom the only place to go is up. So if we go out and you can stand me even a little bit, by my logic things can only get better from there.
  3. I haven’t had a speeding ticket in like 5 or 6 years.
  4. I enjoy romantic comedies so we’ll never have to argue about going to see one.
  5. If we do go out and it’s just as bad as you’re thinking it’s going to be, you’ll have a great story to tell for years to come. And maybe it will even give you some material for another sketch. (PS I have some other great ideas for your show I’d love to bounce off of you. Like, I have this adult-sized bacon slice costume, and somebody could be wearing it in one of the sketches or something. Still fine tuning it).

Anyway, I think you get the picture. Sure it’s not pretty, but it’s a picture. Look, in the NFL or the NBA, sometimes they will draft a player solely on potential. He hasn’t accomplished much yet, but they can see he’s just a freak athlete. That’s how you should view me…as some massive untapped potential that can be molded into something great.
So yeah, feel free to contact me at 801-400-5281. Or on Facebook. Or on Twitter (@karlkowallis). You definitely won’t regret it most likely.

Mallory, or Mal, if I can call you that. You don’t have to be the third wheel anymore.

So anyway, that’s pretty much how my life is going right now…yep.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Bad Date (This Really Happened)...A 3rd Person Narrative by Karl Kowallis

        Here's an updated classic from the world famous Facebook group 'Karl Kowallis isn't getting married and doesn't need your address.' Sorry if this is a repeat for some.
         Once, there was a girl Karl had had his eye on for quite some time. They worked together at a local Mexican restaurant and after a few months (it usually takes Karl an abnormally long amount of time to work up enough courage to ask out a girl that he is genuinely interested in) he finally decided to ask her out. To his surprise and excitement, she agreed to go on a date with him.
        One of Karl's friends had been bugging him to double with him for quite some time so Karl determined that this would be as good a time as any to do so. So the four (Karl, date, friend, friend's girlfriend), made plans for dinner (which Karl paid for), a short local event (which Karl paid for), and then to go get dessert (previously purchased by Karl and then prepared by Karl {the dessert was cream soda floats. Not as tasty as you would think actually.) at Karl's house. Karl's date forgot to mention that when she agreed to go out with him that night, she meant that only her physical body was going to be able to make it, but that her personality, sense of human decency, and general regard for others, had other places to be.
        Dinner was relatively normal (Karl's date ordered something and then didn't eat it). The short local activity was going alright, until the four of them bumped into another friend (a dude) of theirs (actually more of an acquaintance of Karl's and an old friend of Karl's other friend {Confused yet? Good). Well, for some reason, Karl's friend decided that it would be a good idea to invite this other gentleman along with them on the double date! So the double date now consisted of two couples and one additional dude.

         Karl didn't know the guy very well, but one thing he found out quickly was that he had no problem flirting with Karl's date! And, oddly enough, Karl's date's missing personality finally made an appearance as well, and at that point the double date was back on track! There were still 5 people total, only now there were two couples (the friend and his girlfriend, and the date and the random guy) and one chauffeur (Karl).

        So Karl drove the four to his house where he served dessert to them. Then the two couples and Karl played Catch Phrase together, which, to make things worse, Karl's team lost because his team mates (his date and random guy) were too busy flirting with each other. Karl then had the pleasure of taking everyone home.

        Karl also got to sit in the car and wait for about half an hour for his date and the random guy to finish up a conversation they were having, before Karl could walk his date to the door. And so he just sat there in silence and let it happen. And to Karl's shock and horror, the random guy actually got this girl's phone number and made plans to hang out with her while the three of them were sitting in the car in front of her apartment, yes while she was on a date with Karl!

        When this guy finally wrapped things up he said "So Karl, are you going to walk her to the door or what?" And so Karl speechlessly walked his date to the door and let her give him a meaningless hug...unless the meaning of the hug was "Hey Karl. Thanks for spending your hard earned money so I could ignore you all night and make plans in front of you to go out with another guy! I don't even feel badly about this. In fact, I'm glad I said yes to you even though I should've just said no, because that guy who just got my number from the back seat of your car is a $Romney$ (this is true). My plan all along was to try to make this date as terrible as possible so that there would be no chance of you asking me out again (this is also true and confirmed by trusted sources). Hopefully this date was bad enough that I never have to talk to you...or even look at you again. Also, you suck at Catch Phrase. And cream soda floats? Really? Well, here's a courtesy hug, although it pains me to my very core to have to be within even a ten foot radius of you. I hope you die."

Karl didn't date for 6 years after this (false).

The End

This story is not fabricated although I've omitted the names to protect...myself?

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Why I hate Valentine's Day by Karl Kowallis

        Sorry if you've already read or heard me tell a version of this story. It just seems appropriate at this time of year and that is why I'm re-telling it. But here's why I hate Valentine's Day...and women (JK any women who are reading this! You are all fantastic and I love each and every one of you!).

        Natalie Wright was the most beautiful 3rd grader at Windsor Elementary, maybe even the world! If you were a male in the 3rd grade at Windsor in 1992, you only had eyes for Natalie. It just so happens that I (Karl Kowallis) was a male in the 3rd grade at Windsor elementary in 1992. 

        I feel like Natalie and I had a fairly serious relationship, considering that during almost every recess period since Kindergarten we had tried to give each other bunny ears (this is commonly done by sneaking up behind the person you want to give bunny ears to, and holding two upright fingers behind their head. It really makes them look foolish!). Did I ever talk to her? Of course not!!! But my friends and I would frequently ride our bikes near by her house. And if we ever saw her outside, we'd yell her name really loudly then ride off as fast as we could (Note: Anyone reading this who is thinking this may still be an effective dating technique, you're right! But I caution you to wear shoes when riding the bike. If you don't, there's a possibility that one or more of your toes can get caught in the pedal when you're trying to ride off so quickly, and you may end up falling off your bike in the middle of the street in front of the girl of your dreams right after you've yelled her name at the top of your lungs. It can ruin the effect and also make you look like an idiot. Not that this happened to me or anything...I'm just saying). So yeah, as you can see our relationship had grown pretty serious by the time we were in the 3rd grade. I had a perfect view of Natalie from my desk, and although she never looked back at me or acknowledged me in any way, I knew she was thinking the same thing I was: We were definitely going to get married someday. Well, as the year rolled along, our relationship continued to progress. We both finished in the top 5 in the Halloween costume contest ( I was a ninja and Natalie was a mad scientist). When we gave presentations on famous people, and I dressed up as an astronaut, and everyone thought I was Neil Armstrong, when really I was John Glenn, and I tried to explain it to the class, but no body knew who John Glenn was, she was there to make fun of me along with all the other kids. Things couldn't have been better! Not to mention, Valentine's Day was upon us. I knew this was my chance to really seal the deal with Natalie once and for all. 

        I devised a fool proof plan to win her heart. First, I had my dad make me a valentine box that would win 1st place in the contest we were having. Those kids who tried to make their valentine boxes on their own had no chance, and winning 1st place would definitely grab Natalie's attention! And the second and final stage of my plan was to give her the normal ninja turtle valentine card that I was giving to everyone else, but instead of just giving her one or two of those little chalk-heart candies, I stuffed her's completely full! Not only that, but I hand selected each candy heart that I put in to make sure that the message was sent ( in those days a misplaced candy heart that said "fax me" on it could be relationship suicide). I considered adding a few cinnamon flavored gummi-lips to her Valentine but I though it might be a little too racy, so I left them out (turned out to be a mistake, but hindsight is 20/20 right?) 

        Valentine's Day arrived and stage one of my plan was thwarted by a valentine box shaped like a penguin, and another that looked like a computer (I still to this day think that the penguin box should have been dis-qualified. What do penguins have to do with Valentine's day? Hey, kid, I think you got Valentine's Day and Christmas mixed up! There was no competing with the computer though). My choo-choo train valentine box (built 100% by my father) took only 3rd place. But I still felt like 3rd might be enough to at least gain a little of Natalie's interest. Then we passed out our Valentines and at that point only time would tell if stage two of my plan was successful. 

        Kids began opening their Valentines eagerly. I just sat back and waited. But then something happened that I had not planned for. Some of the other guys in the class had already opened the Valentines they had gotten from Natalie. And they were proudly showing each other that Natalie had hand written "I love you" in each of their Valentines. At first a wave of insane jealously hit me, but then, as more guys congregated to boast about the Valentine Natalie had given them, I realized that she had hand written "I love you" in ALL of the guys Valentines! My heart lifted as I started to frantically search through my pile of Valentines. I was about to get a hand written note from Natalie Wright! And not only that, it was going to be a hand-written note telling me that she LOVED me! I couldn't contain my excitement, to the point that my teacher (Mrs. Mellor) had to ask me if I was alright and told me I needed to calm down. I believe I may have been making some sort of gurgling noise as well as banging the train valentine box up and down on the desk as I was searching for Natalie's valentine. And then there it was in front of me. "To: Karl From: Natalie" My heart skipped a beat. Pink and Purple heart-shaped stickers decorated the envelope. I tore it open. I didn't even bother to eat the candy inside. It was a care bears valentine, and one of the bears on the front was shooting a rainbow out of it's belly. I unfolded it. And there, scrawled in Natalie's 3rd grade penmanship, was a hand written note just for me. "Karl, I do NOT love you." The "NOT" was also circled and underlined to make sure that I fully understood her message (message received Natalie...message received).
        I wanted to disappear. Or to die. I felt like instead of a care bear shooting a rainbow at me out of its belly, it had shot something else. Something terrible. Like a bunch of unpaid bills or tax documents or something. Nothing could have prepared a 3rd grader for the range of emotions that were rolling through me. My life was officially over. I went home that day and in a fit of rage, tore apart my 3rd prize winning Valentine box. All of my dad's hard work destroyed, just like my heart.
        That, my friends, is why I hate Valentine's Day.