Ladies, be honest with me. Would you rather hug a pillow or a statue? I’d say pillow, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong!
I literally had this argument on my mission with a delightful fellow named Elder Guymon. It was sparked by the fact that Elder Guymon’s body was a bit more statuesque, and my body was...well, pillowesque (made up word). I felt there was no argument. It’s like asking someone to choose between sleeping on a brick wall or on…like, a brick wall covered in feathers or something else really, really soft and comfortable. But Elder Guymon insisted that having a body like a statue would make me more huggable.
I thought the matter was important enough to bring before a council of zone leaders, AP’s, the mission president and his wife, and the Philippino woman who worked at the mission home. A survey was taken, and the results were in favor of hugging a pillow rather than a statue.
Due to the results of that very survey, I have dedicated myself to maintaining my pillow like form. For example, I usually try to hit the gym at least once every five or six months. And I almost always make sure to eat dessert after every meal. Now, some of you might be thinking, ‘Dessert after every meal? How is that possible, especially after breakfast?’ Well, let me answer that by having you imagine this: a maple glazed donut with bacon crumbled on top (I’ve actually eaten these…and yes my heart still works). It’s delicious AND goes really well with breakfast.
Anyway, I recently found out that I’ve been wasting a lot of time and energy maintaining my cuddly-soft bod, because women actually PREFER hugging a statue to a pillow. How do I know this? For one I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been replaced by some dude who is a little more shapely than me. Also, don’t try and hide it. I’ve seen you girls with your Edward Cullen t-shirts on! Really though!? The guy is undead, cold and hard as a rock, and can’t go anywhere there’s sun (Important side note: I’m going to tell you what I’ve told all my close family and friends. I am begging you in the strongest language possible… ladies, if you ever find out that you are dating an actual vampire, please, please, please just break up with him. Why? Because he will suck your blood and eat you. There’s no easy way to put it. Seriously, I’m guessing there’s less than a 1% chance that he’s some good vampire living off of only animal blood. The relationship only ends when he kills you). I on the other hand, am alive, always warm, and I love the sunshine (also the odds of me killing you are very small).Well women, I’ve got news for you. I’ve been to the gym twice in the last six months, and I only ate half of my cheesecake at lunch today. Here I come statue body!