Saturday, July 2, 2011

Mormon Times Dating Blog Contest #5 (Previously Unreleased!!!!)

 When people ask me what’s wrong with me I usually say ‘Well, my back hurts and one of my nostrils is bigger than the other.’  But that’s not what they want to hear.  When people ask me what’s wrong with me, they want to know why I’m not married/dating someone exclusively/going on a lot of dates/going on some dates/talking to girls/making direct eye contact with members of the opposite sex.
            Okay, okay, so that’s a bit of an exaggeration (just today I looked probably three girls right in the eye!). But let me just shed some light on my situation. 
            First of all, why are people all up in my business about my dating life anyway?  Come on guys.  Just because you’ve found your soul mate and have a perfect life, and just because I may or may not have found my soul mate (I haven’t, but Kiera Knightley, if by some crazy chance you’re reading this, I just wanted to let you know that I think you might be the one), and may or may not have a perfect life (I’m 27, still working on my undergraduate degree, I have cankles and I’m delusional enough to think Kiera Knightley is my soul mate. You tell me if you think I have a perfect life), doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with me.  Or maybe there is something wrong with me, but you don’t have to constantly remind me of it.
            Second, all men have known this fact since the dawn of time: to a guy, the mind of a female is absolutely incomprehensible.  Because of this fact, dating is not only extremely difficult; it’s also potentially very painful and awkward.  And I know what you’re thinking right now.  You’re thinking, ‘Karl, you’re normal interactions with people are already painful and awkward. How can dating be any worse?’  Well, imagine me interacting with you on a normal day, and then multiply that pain and awkwardness by about a hundred.  That’s how dating is for me.
            And what’s with all the emotions girls?  One minute you’re crying and the next you’re laughing.  How am I supposed to react to something like that?
            Next, I’m poor.  I’m not afraid to admit it either.  I’m poor and dating is expensive.  Hold on girls before you jump all over me with the whole ‘Oh that doesn’t matter and there’s a lot of cheap date ideas’ speech.  There are only so many times you can take someone on a hike and a picnic.  Plus, even picnics cost some money.  So, instead of spending money to take out a girl who is most likely another mans wife, I choose to spend it on my self.  And you’re probably saying, “Karl, that’s selfish.”  Well to me, it’s logic.
            Lastly, I’m honestly just terrified of good-looking, intelligent, and fun women.  Unfortunately, those are the ones I’m usually attracted to.

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